I have lived my life believing that nothing is accidental but everything is planned and there is a GREAT DESIGNER that has drawn up the grand plan followed by the ones with minute details.
This year has not started out easy for me and I was hoping that it would end better, but now I am not so sure, but as a believer I have to believe that whatever may be the situation for me, it is all good and that my affairs are in the hands of the best DECIDER. Its a struggle against our desires and that we know as truth, but my alignment is always going off tangent for I am such a weak servant.
Two things happened today that was just too coincidental for me to ignore. The first was a meetimg with a stranger. I met this lady on a bus on the way back from doing groceries. She offered to help me with my groceries and asked me where I was from. So I told her I was from Malaysia, and what a surprise - she was from Malaysia too. Back in 1977 she married a Yemeni man and they moved to Jeddah. At the beginning of the Gulf War they moved to Yemen. When they moved to Yemen, he took on another wife and left her with 4 children without releasing her or providing for them. She struggled to raise her 4 dhildren up by selling food stuff and doing catering and alhamdulilllah, they are now all grown up and with jobs. She now has grandchildren and spends her time visiting the children and grandchildren. The last thing she told me before getting off the bus was "it is ONLY ALLAH that helps you." Almost immediately I felt like crying but held back the tears as I was in this small "dabbab" with my groceries, sitting cramped among 6 people, surely any breakdown would attract much attention. But subhanallah, was this coincidental? Was HE trying to send me a message - as the situation was too similar between this lady and me.
I got off the bus and walked home and no sooner had I laid the groceries down, my Yemeni brother called to say he was coming to send me empty bottles for my soybean drink production. I thought he was just going to send the bottles, but he sat down and decided that he wanted to give me his views on "why I should not remarry." He told me that it would be difficult for me to find a man that could love my boys as if they were his own. If I were to remarry, it has to be for the boys, but where can I find such a man. If I remarried, the man that marries me will want attention and the three boys needs my attention. Not only do they need attention but they need many things as boys growing up. Only a very special man could fulfill my needs as a husband and as a father to my children. I listened to him, with hopes crushed of ever finding someone to spend the remaining days of my life with and to share the joy of watching my boys grow up to be fine muslim men. I almost cried again for the second time within an hour today, but I could not show my weakness in front of him. All I said to him was, "well I would like to believe that I am special and that I will have hope in Allah that this very special man will be made available to me". I could not help but think - was this also another message for me, that I am required to sacrifice?
These two incidents today did not help at all with how I have been feeling lately - the feeling of loneliness, the needing of love, attention and care of the other gender, the fact that Allah is suppose to have created men and women for one another, and that if we have desires that they are to be fulfilled through marriage. I have not really sat down to analyze the two incidents yet, but it sure has made me pause to think. There is much truth in what my Yemeni brother has said, but I do not believe that hope is hopeless, and Allah answers our every du'a and it is just a matter of now or then .
For the moment, it is just too coincidental to ignore .....
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
A Part I Left Behind ... My Tok Ngah
When I left for Yemen back in 2006, I left some parts of me back home and one in particular was an old lady who was very dear to me and my family. She was whom we call Tok Ngah. I don't know how old exactly she is, but she must be in her mid to late 80's now, as you know how the earlier generation do not really know their age.
Tok Ngah was actually my late mother's maid. She lived with my mom for 40 years. When my mom passed away, Tok Ngah came to live with me. Tok Ngah, Deeni and I lived together for 8 years until I remarried, and when that took place, she also followed me into my new life for the next 8 years, so she lived with me for a total of 16 years and in the family for 56 years. She was like a mother to me, someone I love very much. During the times that she lived with me, I treated her like my own mother, took care of her every need - and I do mean her every need. She was as devastated seeing the things that I had to go through, but it was not her place to say anything but she was always there to comfort me.
When I left for Yemen, I could not take her with me, as I was on the run and had really no place to call home at that time. So she was left with my brother, whom she loved very much too. A few months after I left for Yemen, I found out that she was staying with her son, whom she had never lived with all her life, so that appeared to be strange to me. I came back to Malaysia in 2008 for a three week visit and took her to stay with me for two weeks. I had offered for her to come and stay with me in Yemen but she was afraid to die in a foreign land, which is typical of an old lady's thinking. Early this year, 2010, Deeni went to visit Tok Ngah in Johor. Tok Ngah wants so badly to live with me and Deeni and the boys. I wish that I could make her dreams come true.
Last night I spoke to my sister and was really sad to hear of Tok Ngah's condition. Her son's wife had passed away in April of this year, meaning that there is really no one that is really tending to her. When my sister went to see her, she had lost weight and all she spoke of was death, which is understandable. I have asked my sister to ask her if she wants to come and live with me in Yemen, and if she so decides I will be happy to take care of her here until it is time for her to return to our original home.
For everything that happens, there must be a reason. I do not know what the reasons are for this one, but all I could think of was, we had her for 56 years of her life, maybe Allah swt in HIS infinite knowledge and mercy wanted her son to have the opportunity to spend time with his mother and give his services to his mother. I do not know if Allah swt will grant me my wish, which I am sure is also Tok Ngah's wish - but whatever it is, I know that HE has decided everything in our best interest and that we have to accept it as that. I can only make du'a that Tok Ngah will have happiness till her last breath, because she is one special lady, pure in heart and intention.
It is also amazing that in her I see that Allah truly takes care of HIS servants, so have no fear as HE is the PROVIDER, the MERCIFUL.
Tok Ngah was actually my late mother's maid. She lived with my mom for 40 years. When my mom passed away, Tok Ngah came to live with me. Tok Ngah, Deeni and I lived together for 8 years until I remarried, and when that took place, she also followed me into my new life for the next 8 years, so she lived with me for a total of 16 years and in the family for 56 years. She was like a mother to me, someone I love very much. During the times that she lived with me, I treated her like my own mother, took care of her every need - and I do mean her every need. She was as devastated seeing the things that I had to go through, but it was not her place to say anything but she was always there to comfort me.
When I left for Yemen, I could not take her with me, as I was on the run and had really no place to call home at that time. So she was left with my brother, whom she loved very much too. A few months after I left for Yemen, I found out that she was staying with her son, whom she had never lived with all her life, so that appeared to be strange to me. I came back to Malaysia in 2008 for a three week visit and took her to stay with me for two weeks. I had offered for her to come and stay with me in Yemen but she was afraid to die in a foreign land, which is typical of an old lady's thinking. Early this year, 2010, Deeni went to visit Tok Ngah in Johor. Tok Ngah wants so badly to live with me and Deeni and the boys. I wish that I could make her dreams come true.
Last night I spoke to my sister and was really sad to hear of Tok Ngah's condition. Her son's wife had passed away in April of this year, meaning that there is really no one that is really tending to her. When my sister went to see her, she had lost weight and all she spoke of was death, which is understandable. I have asked my sister to ask her if she wants to come and live with me in Yemen, and if she so decides I will be happy to take care of her here until it is time for her to return to our original home.
For everything that happens, there must be a reason. I do not know what the reasons are for this one, but all I could think of was, we had her for 56 years of her life, maybe Allah swt in HIS infinite knowledge and mercy wanted her son to have the opportunity to spend time with his mother and give his services to his mother. I do not know if Allah swt will grant me my wish, which I am sure is also Tok Ngah's wish - but whatever it is, I know that HE has decided everything in our best interest and that we have to accept it as that. I can only make du'a that Tok Ngah will have happiness till her last breath, because she is one special lady, pure in heart and intention.
It is also amazing that in her I see that Allah truly takes care of HIS servants, so have no fear as HE is the PROVIDER, the MERCIFUL.
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