Anxieties, Fears and Experience

For days I have been thinking of what to write and started writing a few topics, but none seem to have my heart in them.  Today, a unique old “acquaintance” suggested that I write about my anxieties, my fears of being “alone” in a foreign land and the experience of that of my boys.

I guess I have to go back to the reason that pushed me to chance my escapade to Yemen.  In a way Yemen, was not totally foreign as I had been on a mission here 4 months before.  It is close to 100% Muslim population with the exception of some foreigners and some remnants of Jewish community here.  When I came here in July 2006, I found the people to be really accepting of foreigners and they especially love Malaysians, the scene here was like Kuantan in the 1970’s, there was respect for women here, the people that I had matters to handle with was more than hospitable and I found it to be a very safe place.  But what captured my heart was the tranquility I felt in the midst of the chaos (there is no system in Yemen and the policy adopted is – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it), and the many masajids (plural for masjid) and how the azan was so crystal clear and in concert during prayer times and sometimes echoing .  It really touches the soul and is a constant reminder of the first pillar of Islam.

There are two parts to Sana’a – the Old City and the New City.  The Sana’a Old City, is designated by UNESCO as a world heritage site, and the sight of the old city is simply breathtaking and when you take a walk down the old city you feel like you are walking back in time … some 3000 years ago.  Interestingly back in the 1960s, there was no New City and the gates of the fortress called Bab Al-Yemen, was closed at 6:30pm and people were using camels and horses still as transportation.   So, I found a city that mersmerized me and where my soul was so much at home with.  There was no fancy cars racing around, no shopping centers to bum at, no cinemas to go to and what was really evident was the modesty in how women were dressed and the no mixing of genders in public.  In the busses, men made way for women to sit and no mixing, and in restaurants there were places allocated for families and singles (singles are men only sitting place).   Everyone in Yemen speaks Arabic and hardly many people speaks English.  A fact I liked as I want to learn to learn to speak Arabic and I want my children to pick up this language, the language of the Qur’an and the language of the people of Al-Jannah.  One of the most important criteria was that it was easy to obtain a Visa for stay in Yemeni if you are a Malaysian passport holder.

So when the time came for me to decide to leave, Yemen was the only place that I had in mind.  I came to Yemen with my boys, 2 pieces of luggage and MYR10,000 in hand and faith that Allah swt will help me as I am running away from an oppressed life and to protect the faith of my children and I.

Immediately as the plane touchdown in Sana’a, I felt that sense of tranquility that I had felt before.  A sister of mine who had been here earlier put us up in apartment next to hers for two weeks for free as the tenants had moved out and they still had paid rent left for the month.   Help came from everywhere – we then looked for places to rent at the old city, but the landlord offered us the place we are staying at for a reduced rental, the mudir (principal) of the ma’ahad that I was sending students for yearend Arabic program offered me classes for free. 

In life, as long as you reduce your needs you can actually survive – the basic requirements for us was air (which is free), food and accommodation.   Initially we did not have much in our home, just mattresses to sleep on and some stuff for the kitchen to cook with and that was it.  When my sister (in Islam) left 5 months after we arrived, we bought over her 10 months old furnitures at 60% discount. 

My prayers to Allah swt was always based on, “YOU did not create me to work but YOU created me to take care of these children who would then replace the next generations of Muslim, I will discharge that responsibility but please take care of us”.  

Anxieties of living in a foreign land – I don’t know, the only anxiety I felt was whenever I think about my past life, my present life is almost anxiety free.  I really am comfortable here  - I am in the land of the ANSARS (the tribes of Aus and Khazraj of Medina  that provided assistance to Rasulullah  s.a.w. originated from a tribe called Qahtan and they were from Yemen), and truly I have found the people here to be true helpers.   Allah swt sent me two Yemeni brothers to take care of me in this foreign land, and many more who are just as eager to extend help whenever I needed help.  Every Yemeni brother that I have met have told me “Sister, you are in Yemen, you are our sister and we will take care of you”, somehow this statement has always made me feel safe and protected.

Fear of being alone – I guess I can’t say that I fear being alone because all my life although there were people around me, I  strangely felt alone and I am used to being in this state.  So there was no fear.  But lonely yes as I am far away from family and friends, and during those rough years, I was never really connected with anyone, which I am somehow thankful for.  This solitude allowed me to truly seek the assistance of my CREATOR and paved the way for me to be closer to HIM.  Sometimes in a way I felt that HE wanted me to give HIM my undivided attention and was teaching me to solely depend on HIM.  Precious lessons I would never trade for anything else.

My 3 Mujahideens

My children were really young when they came to Yemen – 7, 5 and 4 in years.  I thought that it would be a problem for them to acclimatize themselves to the language and culture.  But to my pleasant surprise, all three of them picked up the language within 6 month.  They were eager to fit in and fit in they did.  Allif and Aiman took placement tests before they entered a private school here and they both are a year younger in their class in age.   We are four years now in Yemen and all three of them speak fusaha and dialect Arabic.  They are oblivious that they are foreigners here and they act and speak just like the Yemenis do.  They are fluent in Arabic, English, Malay and picking up Turkish now. They have picked up much of the Islamic values that I want them to pick up and implement in their lives although they have a long way to go.

I guess to sum it up, it has been a wonderful experience and a breath of fresh air taking the step to move from a decadent and oppressed life to a life full of blessings.  We do not own anything and we are actually living a life of a traveller, taking from this world only what we need from it ready to move whenever and wherever we need to.

A Gem Waiting To Be Discovered

My Best Friend, My Confidante, My Precious – My Daughter – Aideeni

Much in my thought and in my heart and will forever be something that can never be taken away from me, no matter how one tries.

When Deeni was born, she was the most precious thing to me and she was such a beautiful baby and being the person that I was before, I wanted to give her everything she ever needed.    The first three years of her life was spent with my mother, as my mother was diagnosed with cancer a year before Deeni was born, and to help keep her mind of the pain she was enduring, she wanted to take care of Deeni.   I went home to Kuantan every  weekend to spend time with both Deeni and my mom.  Sometimes, on the way back, I was just so tired, I would just stop the car by the roadside and sleep, but never would I give up a week end with them.  Somehow, just before my mother died, Deeni became closer to me and when my mother died, the transition coming back to stay with me was not difficult at all. 

After my mother died, we spent 10 years together, without any man in my life.  At a young age, I took Deeni travelling as much as I could afford to – we went to Disneyland together, we spent a week in the Great Barrier Reef, some time in Sydney and also weekends in Bali. We also spent a great deal of time at beaches like Redang, PD and sometimes jet skiing. Deeni could have just about everything she wanted and she got to share them too with people she liked, either her friends or cousins.  Name the gadgets that were available back then, she had them.  But Deeni was far from spoilt.

Things took a turn when I remarried.  In the beginning, it was something that she looked forward to because it was a new experience, she had siblings in her life and that was I guess interesting at first.  But as things started to turn badly for me, it affected her to in many ways and she too was being abused and this resulted in her running away from home many times.  It was really a nightmare for me every time this happened and I would be like a mad person trying to locate her.  But honestly, I did not blame her for running as I myself felt the same but was bounded by what I thought was right. 

Before I remarried, I had already started on my journey on the off beaten path – this too had an impact on her as she was not ready for the changes that I was making to myself – what happened to that liberated mommy of mine – where is she – why am I suddenly forced to put on the hijab – how did our life turned from carefree to oppressed - I guess it can also be confusing to a young teenager. 

Being forced into something that she did not understand coupled with watching her mom in depression and being abused herself, I think any other teenager could have acted much worst.  I really cannot begin to describe what she had to go through, but enough to say, that it should not happen to any child.  Seeing that things were not working out, I decided to send Deeni away to a madrasah in Lenasia, South Africa.  It was a tableeghi madrasah practicing sunnah.  When she was 15, immediately after her PMR, I sent Deeni to Madrasah Mueinul Islam.  She spent two and a half years there.  I really liked what the madrasah had taught her and how she had turned out to be.  After two and a half years, she wanted to come back and after consulting my brother and husband, we decided to bring her back.  This was one of the decisions that I regretted most in my life.  She came back and was back into the mainstream.  She was doing O-Levels and Foundation in a college at the same time.  Being back into the mainstream did not help her much as peer pressure was a far greater influence on a teenager than whatever she had learnt at the madrasah.  It was not too long before she was back again in concert with her peers. 

At this point, I was drowning in my own problems and could not pay much attention to her as I should.  Through my problems, she was always there to give me full support emotionally and understood what I was going through. 

One of the things that I could not forgive my husband was trying to poison my mind to think that Deeni was trying to break us up.  He was always looking for someone to blame and it was either my brothers, Deeni or my friends.  And in doing so, he successfully isolated me from the people that I loved and those gave me the emotional support that I needed.

When I left for Yemen, Deeni left for Australia.  Deeni was disappointed that after two months in Yemen, I got back again with my husband.  It was only after two years that she forgave me and we started talking again like mother and daughter .  That two years was one of the most difficult years for me emotionally as I missed Deeni very much.  I longed to see her and be with her, and wanted to be someone that she can depend on. But I myself could not depend on myself, so how could she depend on me.

Deeni grew up very fast as she had no one that she could depend on.  She worked two jobs to support her study and her life in Australia.  Early this year, in the month of February, I saw Deeni again after three and a half years of not meeting her.  In those years I was constantly worried about her, I guess naturally any mother would.  But more so I was worried about her relationship with Allah swt.

I cannot force her to be what I am, but I can advise her on what her responsibilities are.  It was much easier for me to do so as Deeni was very accepting of my advices. When she came to visit me, I saw that Deeni was a very matured young woman, had a good head over her shoulders, very responsible and that she was on her own journey.  In some ways, I stopped worrying about her, but not totally of course.  What made me more convinced was the comments that I received from friends who had met her when she was in Malaysia.  This gave me more confident that she will be alright.

However, having gone through painful life experiences, I do not want Deeni to go through what I did, but somehow it looks inevitable as she is almost an exact replica of me with the exception of her years at the madrasah.  I know that those years did not go to waste, it is somewhere inside her, but the pressures of life and the lack of experience is taking the forefront in her reasoning. 

Despite all the pressures on a young soul, she has been a very responsible daughter taking charge when it comes to me, her brothers and even her stepsister when we were being abandoned. 

I can only pray that Allah swt rightly guides her back quickly to HIM.  I know that whatever that was taught to her about right and wrong, halal and haram has not been lost.  It is a stage of self discovery and a mother can only watch, advise and make dua for the return of her most precious to a 100% commitment towards the CREATOR.

I believe that whatever and however our children are that we should not be ashamed of them just because we are inclined towards another path.  This is our test again as mentioned numerous times in the most NOBLE BOOK.  Our duty towards them is to nurture, teach and provide them with the knowledge of the deen, but the final decision lies with HIM – as HE guides whom HE wills.

Ya Rabb, we have endured much of our lives with YOUR tests, please make the rest of our lives in this world and the hereafter something more bearable, though we are from deserving.

I know Deeni is a gem … waiting to be polished

… and I pray daily that someone deserving would discover this gem.

Taking the Road Less Travelled

What does taking the road less travelled means?  Well, it could mean different meanings to different people but to me it is the path that I have decided to tread on in the journey of my life, a path that less would pursue on due to its abstractness, its difficulties and its understanding. It is very easy to follow the crowd and have a desire to stand out in the crowd, but its not as easy to walk away and tread off the beaten path. 

off the beaten path

I grew up in a society that was developing and the nations focus during my childhood was education, education and education – secular education that is.  Education that could help  put the younger generation on a path that would build the nation.  It was a successful pursuit from materialistic standpoint because, the generation that I grew up with eventually participated in building of the nation.  However, in the pursuit of development, we had lack the spiritual education that would balance the effects of modernization and what we saw was everyone started participating in the rat race in pursuit of material wealth while values and morals were compromised.

Personally, I felt that during those years, I was stripped of every identity of a Muslim except by name.  Sad, but that was what it was.  Those years that I was growing up with was brainwashed by western values and secular education.  Little emphasis was given to any form of spiritual development and any religious classes that we had was never taken seriously but maybe only to teach us the rituals, void of any spiritual form.  I think our ustazs (religious teachers) must have been very frustrated with us.  We were so in awe by anything that came out of our country especially our PEACE CORPS teachers. 

As a result of this unbalanced education system with no priority given to developing moral values or spirituality, we became a nation that was decaying In every social aspect.  Yes, I too was experiencing that decay and did not know how to handle most situations except by materialistic manner which really did not solve the emotional and spiritual aspects.

Having gone through much pain in my personal life forced me to look at spiritual alternatives and that is where this journey on the road less travelled began.  Basically my road less travelled is my journey towards my CREATOR, mind, body and spirit.  There is a hadeeth  by the Prophet , peace and blessings be upon him, that says, “Islam came as a stranger and will return as a stranger.  Glad tidings to the strangers.”    From this hadeeth it already indicates that taking this path will be a lonely path and you will be looked upon as strange – the more you follow the teachings of Islam as it should be followed, that is through the teachings of Qur’an and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w, the more you will be seen as strange – in your ritual practices, in your physical look, in the way you dress, in the way you stand firm on upholding Allah’s laws.

On this path, you will find that sometimes it requires you to leave behind many things that you were familiar with in pursuit of a life seeking the grace of Allah swt.  Sometimes it requires you to make hijrah, leaving behind comforts that you are used to in order to be able to practice your religion in the way it should be practiced.  Sometimes it requires you to leave loved ones behind and that is one of the biggest sacrifice emotionally.  Sometimes it requires you to sacrifice your wealth, without being afraid that you would end up in poverty and destitution.  But if you are sincerely in pursuit of a way of life to please HIM swt, biiznillah (with HIS permission), insyaAllah (with HIS will), HE will make the path easy for you and lighten your burden. 

This is a path of knowledge, practice and faith and all must be done in sincerity only with the objective of seeking HIS pleasure and nothing else, a path that require you to have FULL FAITH in HIM swt.  It is a path full of obstacles, trials and tribulations and much sacrifice – but all are as a means to build you up spiritually and bring you closer to HIM, the All Mighty.  When you overcome those obstacles, you will taste the sweetness of the victory and that is the sweetness of FAITH.

I took the road less travelled.

2010 - A year of Unfolding Events ....

• January - The departure of a good friend - the first article written in my blog is the demise of Zainuddin Ismail
• February - The discovery of the deceit and disappointment - my second blog posted in June 
• February - A much missed and awaited visitor - I had not seen Deeni for as long as I have been in Yemen, and she came to visit me for two weeks. This was also when I discovered that she was also on her own journey.
• April - Abang's solo trip to Istanbul, Turkey - at 10 years old, my son made his first journey without me for a period of one week joining the International Children's Festival under the supervision of his school.
• May - The start of the End - a process that I started to librate myself from the oppressed life I had been living the past 11 years.
• June - A visit from an eternal sister, Nik Zaidah - I could not believe that my friend and sister in Islam, decided to visit me, just to make sure that I am ok, that I have made the right decisions in my life and that my children and I are well and in good hands - what better hands can one be in when one is in the hands of Allah swt.
• June - A proposal to be considered - my step daughter was matched maked through a dream of a friend
• July -  Start of a journey that would end in a union - upon the decision to pursue marriage, we had to start the cumbersome and unnecessary process of obtaining the permission to get her married overseas.
• August - the Union of two souls by His will - witnessing the marriage decided in the heavens.
• September - a much awaited decision to change the course of my life - this is when my court case will be due 

....and what more is in store ... I just can't wait and I don't even know what it is...but


Life is a mystery to be lived and not a problem to be solved!

Witnessing the Impossible made Possible

In February 2010, when she found out that her father has taken wife number 6, my step daughter has decided that it was time that she looked for someone to take care of her.  For 19 years she has gone though three step mothers and witnessed 5 failed marriages from her father.  She has been deprived of love, care and responsibility of a true parent and any form of love from anyone.  She is not a deeply religious person nor would I categorize her as pious, but she is someone that can discern between right and wrong and halal and haram, a blessing from Allah swt. 

Disappointed and losing hope of ever having a real family, she decided that it was time she started a family of her own.  So she told me to look for a husband for her.  Now in this day and age, you would hardly find any teenager asking a mother (a step mother in my case) for such a request.  It would seem really strange in the world we live in today to ask for your parent to look for a husband for you.  Such a request meant an arrange marriage, not a situation where you first get to know the guy, go out with him on a few dates (more than a few in most cases in todays scenario ..some taking years and sometimes never ending in a marriage). 

With that request, I talked to a couple of friends of mine to start the search for a husband for her.  Giving our criterias and requirements, my friends started their  search.  However, seems that there is really no one that could fit our criteria.  One of her criteria was she wanted the person to be of same nationality, so that limited the search.  Over the next few months, as life moved on, we forgot about this request even. 

Four months later, my friend called me up June 27^th 2010, she said. “ Faith, you remember, you said you were looking for a husband for Aisha (not her real name)”  and I said, “Yes, but we have forgotten about it since it has been a few months.” Then she said, “I want to tell you that on Friday night, I dreamt of Aisha and Amir (not his real name). And yesterday, Farida came to my house and said that Amir is in search of a wife.  Immediately I remembered my dream and said that this cannot be a coincidence, and called you up.”  Upon listening to my friend, Aisha asked if we could meet my friend, Farhana.  So that night we went over to Farhana’s house to find out more about Amir.  Aisha then asked me to arrange to meet with Amir.  So we decided that I meet with Amir on Wednesday. 

I met up with Amir at Farhana’s house on Wednesday.  It was a getting to know each other session cum interview and interrogation as much as possible on the make up of Amir and his background.  Well, I liked what I discovered on first impressions, I could see his sincerity and commitment towards the deen .  Both of them, having seen pictures of each other and leaning of each other’s background from close friends, agreed to meet each other.  So we arranged for them to meet at my house on Friday for tea.  Amir was escorted by Farhana and her husband while my friend Sheila came over to keep us company throughout this meeting.  In Islam, both the possible bride and groom are allowed to see each other and interview each other in the presence of their mahram.  It was such a nerve wrecking event for the both of them.  Aisha could not make herself come into the living room out of shyness and when she finally did, both of them just stared at each other speechless.  So the people that started interviewing for them was Fauziah’s husband, Azman and myself.  This is so that they at least know something about each other.  They had nothing to say to each other really, as both became tongue tied.  The only thing Aisha asked was that Amir stood up so she could see his height, and he responded with the same request so that they could see if their height was compatible. LOL.  Anyway , tea ended and we gave the possible bride and groom time to make up their minds to decide if they could be partners in life, which also involved making istikharah apart from getting parents consent. 

Both Aisha and Amir decided on the affirmative and that they wanted to make the step to live together as husband and wife.  With this decision, there were documentations that were required as we were foreigners in a foreign land and therefore needed letters from our Embassy to say that they have no objections for the two to get married.  But before that, both of them had to get documentations from Malaysia.  There was no problem with Amir, as he has a very supportive family who understood the deen well and so, it was a breeze for him to get the documentations that he needed.  Aisha on the other hand, could not get any of the documentations needed as her biological father did not consent to her getting married.  The usual secular school of thought: at 19 she was too young to get married and she certainly does not know what she is doing was the reason behind the objection, that she is still studying.  No consideration of the recommendation of the deen or the sunnah at all.

In reality (after obtaining fatwa from scholars here in Yemen regarding her situation), Aisha, did not need the permission of her biological father as that was all he was to her, not her father in syarie.  But Aisha seeked his permission, out of respect that he is after all her biological father and with or without love, he had provided her with protection and care even if they were just through maids and stepmothers.

Since we could not get any documentation from Malaysia for Aisha, we decided to seek for a solution from the Yemen courts.  Having met the Qadhi we were advised on how to apply for a hakim sharie to be appointed as her wali.  However, since  her  documentations stated that he was the father, the courts still insisted that we get two witnesses to witness his objection.  From syarie point, this was all unnecessary, but we had to abide by man made laws.  Anyway, it was a long process to get any documentation for Aisha and so we decided to look at alternative but legal ways to get her married.  Man made laws would require consent from her biological father or any documents to prove that he objected to her getting married.  While syarie, did not even consider him as her father. So which laws do you need to uphold – the law of the creation or the law of the CREATOR?

I know and fully understand the consequences of not abiding by Allah’s laws and there is no way that I would succumb to laws of creation, although everyone and every institution we approach seem to ask us to fall back on man made laws and traditions.  Allah’s laws is so crytal clear. Our challenge was to abide by Allah’s laws.  In a way, I felt that Allah was testing us, to what extent would we go to uphold His laws?

Every avenue that we turned to for help required some kind of man made law to be abided.  From beginning to end, we had maybe six plans running to see which one would work for us. Up to the last plan, when everything seemed that it would work, but it did not.  When we were down to our last effort, we gave up in effort but not in hope and prayer … it was at that point that HE, the MOST MERCIFUL, sent us HIS help.  Out of sky, he sent us a lawyer to help us through and this was not just any lawyer but a lawyer with the supreme court in Yemen and having connections at the Ministry of Justice, which we also needed a letter from.  We had to circumvent a little the man made laws in order for us to get the letter needed from the Ministry of Justice.  But having seen the lawyer’s connection, we knew that the risk to circumvent the man made laws was a risk we could take. And took the risk we did.  The lawyer spent the whole morning helping us get documents needed from the MOJ and later went with us to the courts, coached our witnesses on what to say.  The witnesses did not lie at all but was in fact was stating truth of matters.  On this day, the last day of Sya’aban coinciding with August 10^th2010, we witness Allah’s plans being carried through, HE made what seemed impossible to us possible.  When all man and institutions kept telling us to fall back on man made laws, we stood firm to abide by Allah’s laws.  This was what carried us through.  Allah swt wanted us to make all effort to uphold HIS laws, and in the end HE sent us help to carry us through. Subhanallah… we truly watched what was and seem impossible, made possible.

Solemnization of Aisha n Amir

Amir and Aisha were married in the courts at 2:00pm witnessed by Amir’s mother, his brother, his three best friends, my eldest son and myself and everyone who were present at the court.  For me it was a moment that I truly felt that Allah swt was watching us, and seeing how we were experiencing the sweetness of victory after going through much hardship, all the time in hope for HIS help.  When the aqad was finally performed, everyone shouted “mabruk” the Arabic word to mean blessed.   Even the prisoners who were present were shouting “mabruk” .  It was a sweet victory I must emphasize again, after one and a half months of looking for solutions daily!

On the morning before the aqad, Amir’s mother and myself had cooked to invite people over to the house for a small reception.  We were not even sure if the aqad would be performed, but we took a chance that this would be the day that Allah would make it happen.  And it did.  We invited only the boys that Amir and his friend was looking after, about 20 of them.  At the same time it was also in welcoming the month of Ramadhan.

The following days seem to be working smoothly, Amir and Aisha seemed to be very much at ease with each other and it was as if they had known each other for years.  This is the blessing of a marriage that had no relationship before marriage and one that conformed to syarie in every way.

I want to take this opportunity to mention that since having been in Yemen, I have witnessed many arrange marriages and all of these arrange marraiges seem to have been working out well.  I believe the blessing is in the sincerity of wanting to abide by the laws of Allah the the desire to protect one's chastity.  These marriages are not based on lust and desire. Truly the institution of marriage has an objective and that is to increase the progyny and the nation of Islam, servants that will be obedient to HIS laws, and love is secondary, but it is the love for HIM that becomes primary and the byproduct of that is the love for HIS servants who love HIM. As with everything where HE plays a role, it is HE who puts love in the hearts of HIS servants.

Ya Rabb, thank you for giving me the opportunity to at least make things right in the lives of others after having made so many wrongs in mine. May this also be part kafarah for my past actions.  May this union also see its blessings not only in this life but also in the life of the hereafter.

Ya Rabb, forgive us our sins past, present and future, and keep us guided and blessed for the remaining days of our lives in this time and space.