Blood Is Thicker Than Water

I come from a family of 3 elder brothers and a younger sister.  When our parents were around, they were really the center of our lives and we were always like homing pigeons most of the time finding our way back to our nest.  After my mom died in 1990, my dad came to live with me and my house became the place where my siblings would gather.  However, this did not go on for very long as dad died 4 years later after mom.  Everyone of my siblings were married and have their own family and naturally after our parents died, they were gathering for celeberations at their in-laws.

my 3rd brother

I am very close to my third brother, he has been my confidant, my friend - he gave me the care and the love that I needed from a family.  Throughout the times that I was "going through the laundry", this brother of mine has always been there, to support me, pacify me, give me strength and above all love me unconditionally.  

When I later decided to escape to Yemen, I had his full support - but he also made it a condition that I never go back to my husband, after seeing the traumatic life that I had to go through.  If I did, he would not want to have anything to do with me.  I can understand this condition and I could understand how he felt when I decided to accept hubby back into my life while I was already in exile in Yemen.  Sometimes in life, you have to make choices and these choices may not be understandable to other people, and once you make them you have to live with the consequences of the choice.  So I lived with the consequence of not being in contact with my family for as long as I was married to him.  It was either lose my eldest son totally (as he was with my husband in Malaysia when I left for Yemen) or lose my family.   Anyway, my two month istikharah guided me to accept my husband back into my life.

I knew the conseqeunces of my decision and I knew how disappointed all my brothers were.  We all have our own lives to live and choices we have to make that would be in the best interest of the people that we are responsible for.  So I lived without being in contact with my brothers for almost 4 years.  I knew that one day my brothers will forgive me.

When I finally decided to amputate the gangrene in my life, I knew it was time to contact my brothers again.  I wrote all of them an email, and true to my belief, they forgave me.  My third brother was the first to call me - and we were just like we were before and he said to me "blood is thicker then water" meaning you can try to cut the ties of kinship but it will never be broken. 

Last week, my brother met my Yemeni brother who went back to Malaysia to spend Eid with his Malaysian family.  I was really happy that they met as they are both part of my life and at least my brother got to know about me and my life in Yemen from my Yemeni brother.  He also sent me two boxes of food and today called me, so excited for me to receive things from him.  I am also happy to hear that my Yemeni brother shared with him the progress of my life here in Sana'a and I think he is comfortable to know that Allah swt has sent good people here to take care of me.

To me, following the guidance from istikharah was important. We may not realize the wisdom in Allah's decision immediately but the wisdom is definitely there. In this case, four years later - I have all my three precious boys with me and my relationship with my family is repaired - I lost them temporarily but I now regained both of the things that are precious to me - my son and my family.  


What was utmost important was patience and trust in Allah's guidance.

The Life Of A Believer Is Oriented To Pleasing The CREATOR ...

Sometimes I wonder why is it that things are never straight forward for me.  Having gone through so much, I should know better but I sometimes I just wish that HE swt would just hand things to me on a silver platter.  Then again would I be happy just with that?

Ramadhan has in the past always been an eventful month for me.  It was in Ramadhan that Allah swt forced me to find my way back to HIM swt.  One time I was accused of something I was not, but on the 27^th of Ramadhan that year, 5 months after I was accused, Allah swt freed me from the accusations.  This year, on the 27^th of Ramadhan, I was presented with an offer.  Although the offer seems to be lucrative and seems to be a solution to my problems and meeting my requirements, it came with a string of conditions. 

How should I look at these conditions?  From one point of view, I looked at these conditions from the way any normal person would, that is to compromise in order to solve my problems.  But somehow, my heart could not calliberate with these compromises when I want to live my life with Allah swt first in all my decision making.  Yes, it would be easy to compromise but how does the compromises fare against Allah’s ordainments?  How would fair against my quest to please Allah swt?

If I want to be on this path, I have to follow it 100%, FULL FAITH, with no doubt no reservations to be entertained, then only will I be able to attain the nusrah (help) of Allah swt.  Compromises seem to be a sign of weakness in my faith and my creed.  If Allah swt has said something to be haram, is there any room for compromise even if it is as an interim solution?  If Allah swt has made something permissible and honorable, would it not be a mockery to practise it as if it were not permissible and not honorable?  If Allah swt has decide on what is fair and just, is it our place to decide otherwise?  There is always a reason when Allah swt has decided on something for us and when we do not understand the underlying reasons, heed to the commands as a safe measure for us.

In my mind, if I were to compromise even as an interim solution, I am putting my desires ahead of Allah’s obvious laws.   Furthermore, no one should be obeyed on the account of disobeying Allah swt, lest you might incur the wrath of Allah swt.  It is when we want to deviate from what is made obvious that we will find ourselves getting into trouble, and then we ask why?

The offer is attractive, but is it just another test from Allah swt for me?  Is HE again testing my faith and asking me to be patient?  HE swt has promised victory, rewards without reckoning to one who is patient.  The weak me wants to accept the offer, but the me who has been trained through the years says, be patient Faith and have trust that Allah will fulfill HIS promises to those that puts their FULL FAITH inHIM swt.

I am still in the state of istikharah, and seeking guidance and I pray that HE swt will properly guide me towards a decision that will be pleasing to HIM swt and a solution that will help me continue on my journey towards HIM swt with a clear path ahead.

The life of a believer is oriented to pleasing the CREATOR and not the creation.

Searching Out To Reach HIM

In life, everything we do we have to do it with knowledge, if not we would just be doing it blindly without any reason and when there is no reason, there is no conviction.  I began my journey on the road less travelled in 1995 mostly by reading.  I could never get enough of what I was reading and was amazed to find out things about my faith that I never knew before.  Thinking back, I felt so stupid at how ignorant I was.  To give you example, when reading about history and it talks about the companions, I was like "who are these companions that they keep mentioning about".  That, my friends, is really ignorant, but our education system is built in such a way to keep us as far away from the deen as possible that we do not even know about much our faith, its history, its great leaders and of course our ultimate leader Rasulullah s.a.w. and how we are suppose to implement our faith in our lives.  We live our faith corrupted with other values that we pick up from medias that are used to brainwash us.

I was also seeking out the right crowd to join and in the search I joined a few groups but suffice to say, Allah swt  placed in my heart uneasiness when I saw that what was practiced was in contradiction to what I was reading at that time.  I also believe that you cannot just read alone, but you need a teacher, a guide, someone who can give you the right guidance and motivation.  Reading alone is not enough to give you the conviction that is required when you take this path.  (please keep in mind that I am writing from my experience and the experience of others could be totally different) .  In early 1999, I went for my hajj, and it is here that I made du'a that HE swt would send me someone to teach me to understand the Qur'an and the Sunnah.  How many of us understand what we read from THE BOOK that is suppose to be the guide in our lives?

Hardly one month coming back from hajj, I met my teacher.  From him I learned word for word translation of the Qur'an, Arabic along with it and with each meeting, he would always give us tafsir from the verses that we were learning, sometime using other verses from the Qur'an to explain and other times using hadeeth.  I saw how he was committed implementing Qur'an and Sunnah in his life and this motivated me so much to do the same.  I took knowledge from him for 2.5 years after which he was detained under ISA.  This was right after September 11 and the reason for this was that he was propagating jihad.  But history has seen that anyone propagating truth (that is Qur'an and Sunnah in the true sense), was always wrongfully jailed.   Two years later he was deported back to his country of origin.

I was back reading my books again because most of the other Islamic lectures I attended never really captured my heart as my first teacher has set a high standard of expectation in me.  What I was reading at that time interested me very much that I wanted to get in touch with the scholar writing the books.  Just my luck, two of my friends knew him personally and usually host him at their homes whenever he came to visit Malaysia.  I got in touch with him through email, and started translating one of his books.  Whenever he came to Malaysia, I would host lectures at my house, arrange for him to give lectures in masjids, drive him and his wife around, all this so I can just take as much knowledge from him as possible.  This particular scholar helped me to understand the Qur'an and putting in perspective events happening today in light of the Qur'an.  I still continue to keep in touch with him through email and whenever he has a new book coming I am always privy to read the drafts and thanks to technology I am still able to keep up with his thoughts on current events in light of the Qur'an.

Later I found the group of people taking knowledge from various sunnah scholars, and I did join in their lectures but it was never like my first teacher who was full of conviction, but nevertheless I did join to learn as much as I could.  My reading continued.

Apart from reading and attending lectures, I also listened to many overseas lecturers and one in particular that I like so much was also jailed.  But alhamdulillah, I managed to get all his lectures before they closed his website.  I also had the opportunity to meet with when he was released, and was arranging to have him do lectures when was warned that doing that could get us deported.  I do not know if you are seeing trends as you are reading this, but I sure can see that anyone propagating the true knowledge will have their fate in jail.

It is really amazing how Allah swt puts love in your heart for HIS slaves that propagates truth and those that strives to implement the Qur'an and Sunnah in their lives.  I love all these scholars those that I have met and those that I have not even met and I love most of the people that I have met striving on this path.  It is hard to explain to you but the love for each other but is almost immediate and it is united by the love for HIM.  These people that I meet striving to practise the Sunnah are also great motivators for me. To see their conviction is already motivation alone.

I did not learn only through books, attending lectures and listening to them, but I had the great blessing from Allah swt to put them into practise through the many trials and tribulations that HE has so decided for me.  This was by far the most important phase of my learning process.  It helped me to get up to speed to where I need to be in my relationship with HIM swt.  I realized that what is important is how we react to those tests, not the tests itself.  It is how we react that determines how much we have actually acquired in the knowledge that we seeked. Contemplation also plays a big role in moving yourself from one level of practise to another.

Seeking out to search HIM never stops, life has become less confusing and I am able to understand more the things that happened in my life and why they happened and it has given me tranquility and peace of mind.  It is only in search of HIM will one realize the great blessings that HE has bestowed upon us and then only will  we learn to be humble, grateful and obedient servants.

Knowledge does not give apart of itself to you till you dedicate yourself wholly to it.  If you give yourself entirely to it, you will still be given apart of it.
Wisdom is the believer's long cherished goal, he takes it wherever and whenever it is found.

Little Mercies

Blessing come in many forms and sometimes it may be minor to other people but to you it is of great significance.  This Ramadhan, I felt that HE swt blessed me with so many things. Alhamdulillah.

Ramadhan as we know is a month of ibadah and striving in amal while we fast purely for HIS sake.  So obviously there should be less emphasis on food and food preparation.  Although it is a much anticipated month by Muslims, sad to say I never looked forward to Ramadhan the past 11 years till this year.

In the past 11 years, when it came to Ramadhan, I cringe. Ramadhan was the most stressful month for me.  The man that I was supposedly married to was a chain smoker, so when he does not get his puff, any small insignificant thing becomes major and would result in him getting angry at me or the children for no reason.  We were daily forced to go to the Ramadhan food bazaars and if we did not want to, he would make a big fuss about it.  Food had to be prepared so that it goes well with each other and the table would be spread full of food.  If something was amiss or not rightly done, I would have to be ready for something to be thrown at me from the table and it comes along with hurtful words being blurted from his mouth. And with the full table spread, the food, most of the time will go to waste.  It was such a stressful period of time, and the only time I would look forward was the solitude that I would seek in the middle of the night.

However, this year is my first Ramadhan in 11 years that I can say that I am truly enjoying.(although the last 3 years was not as bad, as he was not with us most of the time except towards the end of Ramadhan).  I guess the reason is obvious - he is not in the equation!  My children learn that little food is more than enough.  I try to put in place the practise to breaking fast with dates and water and samosa.  Then we would make solat before eating our meal.   Our meal would not be more than two dishes.  The children have no complains and we always seem to just have enough and never go to waste.  The three boys would later go to solatul ishak and terawih.  When they come back, they will normally ask for a sandwich or a burger.

For a mother to see her boys fasting and diligently going for terawih nightly, it is very calming to the heart.  This is expected of a mother to tarbiyyah their children to start putting into place one of the pillars of  Islam, saum Ramadhan, at an early age.

For me, not having to go out to Ramadhan food bazaars, less food and boys diligently fasting was already a great blessing.   I was not prepared for other blessings, but I guess it is when you least expect it is when it becomes so sweet.

This year, Allif surprised me by wanting to go to iktikaf.  That in itself was another blessing.  But for him to finish reading the Qur'an within 4 days of iktikaf was yet another blessing, well at least for me it was because it is so hard for me to get him to read half a juzuk at home.  This is the blessing of being in the house of  Allah s.w.t. In iktikaf, they spend their time reading the Qur'an, memorizng hadeeth and putting in practice the daily adzkars (plural for dzikr) and of course attending all the obligatory and superegatory prayers in congregation.  I did not think he would last more than one night - with no PSP, no internet and no TV - but it is from the blessings of Allah swt that I think he was able to last till today.  I have every confident that Allif will sit through 10 days of iktikaf this year biiznillah.

Today, after solatul dzohr, Aiman came rushing back - he too wanted to go for iktikaf.  So i packed him some clothes, a cushion pillow and a sleeping bag, and off he went to the masjid with his bagpack and sleeping bag.

After solatul Asr, I got a call from Asad saying he too wanted to iktikaf. Five minutes later he appeared at the house asking for his clothes and sleeping bag and off he went to the masjid.

I really do not know if Aiman and Asad will be able to last the balance of Ramadhan in iktikaf.  But even if they lasted one night, and the age of 9 and 7, that is a great achievement already.

These are small children - imagine how you would feel receiving such requests and watching them go off without a second of rethinking their decision.  I was proud of them and they look really cute with their thoub (jubah) and skull cap and bag pack walking off.  I felt so grateful, its like realizing a dream.  I can't explain the joy but it brought tears to my eyes.  I have always wanted so much my children to have such desires in the practices of ibadah in Ramadhan.  It felt like all the sacrifices for them was all worth it although I am a long way from witnessing fruits of my labour, these are like the spouts.  I always thought if only I had a good husband as a role model for them, obviously the message here is its not necessary as long as you provide the right environment and encouragement for them.

I went to buy a can of tuna at the local biqalah (sundry shop), and another little mercy awaited me.  The biqalah owner was full of praises for the boys, not only their diligence but also their akhlaq.  I walked away from the shop again feeling like crying and infact did.  Maybe HE was trying to tell me that "hey ... you are doing the right things.  Life may seem hard but it will in the end all be worth it."

All I can say is Ya Rabb, I am truly grateful for this little mercies that YOU have blessed me with this Ramadhan.