The little things that actually means a lot ...

When I came to Yemen, small things make me realize that they are actually things that remind us of our deen and help us connect to our CREATOR.  Everyone here gives you salam when they meet you ... spreading salam is a sunnah ... a prayer to wish you peace.  When we appreciate something of beauty, we say "MashaAllah", when we are grateful we say  "Alhamdulillah". when something befalls us we say "La haula wa la quwata illah" when we want to wish blessings to a person we say "Barakallahu feek", when we depart we also say salam. In our greeting and departing we make dua for each other.  We start everything that we do with "Bismillah" and we end our meetings with the tasbih kifarah..  When we want to thank someone we say "Jazakallahu khairan".  

There are no suraus here but we have masaajids (plural for masjid) at almost every corner that makes it easy for people to have access to the masjid for prayers, and in keeping in line that the best prayer for a woman is in her home, it is not as easy for women to have access to masjid for prayers.  When the time for prayers come, the azans from the different masjids are just so disctinct that it is impossible for you to miss the call for prayer.  When people want to pacify or advise you, they take from the stories of Rasulullah s.a.w or that of the companions.  When people seek advise they go and meet with the scholars whom are easily accessible at the masaajids.  Meeting qaadhi (judges) with your problem is not something that requires you to go through layers of clerks, but you get to meet the qaadhi direct with your problems before filing a proper case.  This is how it should be.

We do not have shopping malls like back home for people to hang around at and no cinemas to go to.  Public eating places are segregated ... so no dating between males and females.  In busses, we do not sit freely among the men, men will have to make way to provide a place for the women folk, its like playing musical chair, only the women get to sit in proper sitting places.  You do not see female teenagers out on the streets doing nothing.  The women folk here are pretty much protected.  It is not something that is normal for a girl to be allowed to a friends house.   We may look at all these as backward, but pondering deeper it is really to protect from the free mixing of gender that usually leads to other things.  Just look at where we are today with all the modernization and  globalization.  We have lost so much of any value we ever had, let alone Islamic values.

I guess my realization here is that I was very much heedless of my relationship with our CREATOR and practices of the deen, but little things that I have experienced in this now world renowned so called terrorist infested country with the most talented bomb makers in the world, have made me realized of how far away from the deen and the practise of it I was and still am, have made me desire to be living the lives of the companions - heeding to Allah's every command and prohibition and conforming to the sunnah of  Rasulullah s.a.w., have made me desire to be blessed with that unshakeable faith.

Be mindful of Allah, and Allah will protect you ...

"..Be mindful of Allah, you will find Him before you. Get to know Allah in prosperity and He will know you in adversity. Know that what has passed you was not going to befall you; and that what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and ease with hardship."  narrated by Tirmidzi.


I cannot begin to share with you how much this hadeeth has been so true for me and especially lately.  Sometimes we read many hadeeth and it just passes us unknowingly but Allah has been kind to me always sending me back reminders through people around me.


I feel my whole life has been a trial, then again HE tells us that the world is not a place of rest, it is a place of trials for HIM to discern between the gem and the stone and that our place of rest is that in our final abode ... and rest is only when you pass the trials and with HIS grace.  My life in Yemen from day one has been a realization of consciousness of HIS presence.   The minute I stepped on this blessed land (Rasulullah s.a.w did ask Allah to bless this land) my heart found tranquility amidst chaos going on in my life and I find that people are just extending me help from every angle ... and that really is the nusrah (help) from Allah swt.  That nusrah has continued till today when I find that I am most isolated (be it by choice or design) from family and friends.


Most recently when I decided that I had to start some form of business, and because I no longer desire to be in a mix working environment and neither do I like the thought of meeting with strangers for marketing purposes - that left me the option of working from home.  So I decided to be in the food business.  To start with, I had no capital - I decided to ask for a small loan, not charity .. from a handful of close friends and people that I considered as family.  Two minutes after I wrote this email, a very old and dear friend replied offering to buy me my oven and to pay for another investment ... subhanallah ... I was very touched as he was a friend I have known for 25 years but have not seen him for the last 11 years and neither am I regularly in touch with him.  Not only did he offer, but he also told me that it was a gift.  


A few days later, my pet brother, a person who took me as his sister 30 years ago, visited me twice in the last two years and told me a year ago "now I know why Allah chose you as my pet sister 30 years ago ... he knew that I would be back in Yemen visiting my roots and that you would be there to take care of me and my family..."  and I guess I could add to that "and he knew that you would really be there in my times of need 30 years later", also contributed to the capital I needed.  This brother of mine has been a true brother, extending his help with no second thoughts and no conditions attached no expectations, but really to help me in my times of need this year, for the second time.  I will not forget, at the beginning of this year, when I was in devastation and really could not function, he was there for me, and not forgetting his wife, who is as much a sister to me as much as he is a brother.


When I started this business, I started only by selling soybean (at that time no oven yet and limited capital)/ I told myself I had to start with something.  My first sale was 10 bottles of soybean yielding me only about YR2000 (slightly less than MYR40), subhanallah ... I came home with an extra USD200 .. the person who bought those soybean from me said "this is to help you with your capital" ... instantly HE came to my mind. Now, within a month, my business has expanded to selling bread, frozen curry puff and pau, cookies and cakes and HE is still sending me HIS soldiers to aid me.  Last week, a friend that I have not seen since I left college, and that was 35 years ago, and we have only been in touch again recently, offered to buy me a freezer.  It is really an overwhelming feeling to know that you have friends that sincerely love you for the sake of Allah.


To top all that, recently HE sent me someone to make me feel that I am not alone in this journey of mine, although I am far away from family or friends.  This Yemeni brother, has taken me to be his mother and has really made me feel that someone is concerned for my well being and happiness and that of my children.  Though he has been extending his help to me in many ways previously, but recently it has extended by leaps and bounds, that I cannot begin to describe it to you in this blog but if you think of someone as your mother, you would go all extend to make a mother feel comfortable and cared for, and that is how he has been with me.


What I am trying to relate here is that ... be mindful of Allah and HE will take care of you ... HIS assistance/nusrah will come from our practice of the full deen, in all the amal of the prophet saw's sunnahs, no matter how small we perceive it to be, and I am seeing this in the reality right before my internal eyes.  Yes, I live in a land perceived by many as a land breeding terrorist, a land of no system, a government rampant in corruption (but which land is not) - but amidst all this I find the realities of HIS promises .. the strengthening of my weak self ... but most precious ... I found HIM by my side, and who better to be by your side than HIM.

Too Coincidental To Ignore ...

I have lived my life believing that nothing is accidental but everything is planned and there is a GREAT DESIGNER that has drawn up the grand plan followed by the ones with minute details.

This year has not started out easy for me and I was hoping that it would end better, but now I am not so sure, but as a believer I have to believe that whatever may be the situation for me, it is all good and that my affairs are in the hands of the best DECIDER.  Its a struggle against our desires and that we know as truth, but my  alignment is always going off tangent for I am such a weak servant.

Two things happened today that was just too coincidental for me to ignore.  The first was a meetimg with a stranger.  I met this lady on a bus on the way back from doing groceries. She offered to help me with my groceries and asked me where I was from.  So I told her I was from Malaysia, and what a surprise - she was from Malaysia too.  Back in 1977 she married a Yemeni man and they moved to Jeddah. At the beginning of the Gulf War they moved to Yemen.  When they moved to Yemen, he took on another wife and left her with 4 children without releasing her or providing for them.  She struggled to raise her 4 dhildren up by selling food stuff and doing catering and alhamdulilllah, they are now all grown up and with jobs.  She now has grandchildren and spends her time visiting the children and grandchildren.  The last thing she told me before getting off the bus was "it is ONLY ALLAH that helps you."  Almost immediately I felt like crying but held back the tears as I was in this small "dabbab" with my groceries, sitting cramped among 6 people, surely any breakdown would attract much attention.  But subhanallah, was this coincidental?  Was HE trying to send me a message - as the situation was too similar between this lady and me.

I got off the bus and walked home and no sooner had I laid the groceries down, my Yemeni brother called to say he was coming to send me empty bottles for my soybean drink production. I thought he was just going to send the bottles, but he sat down and decided that he wanted to give me his views on "why I should not remarry."  He told me that it would be difficult for me to find a man that could love my boys as if they were his own. If I were to remarry, it has to be for the boys, but where can I find such a man.  If I remarried, the man that marries me will want attention and the three boys needs my attention.  Not only do they need attention but they need many things as boys growing up.  Only a very special man could fulfill my needs as a husband and as a father to my children.  I listened to him, with hopes crushed of ever finding someone to spend the remaining days of my life with and to share the joy of watching my boys grow up to be fine muslim men.  I almost cried again for the second time within an hour today, but I could not show my weakness in front of him.  All I said to him was, "well I would like to believe that I am special and that I will have hope in Allah that this very special man will be made available to me".  I could not help but think - was this also another message for me, that I am required to sacrifice?

These two incidents today did not help at all with how I have been feeling lately - the feeling of loneliness, the needing of love, attention and care of the other gender, the fact that Allah is suppose to have created men and women for one another, and that if we have desires that they are to be fulfilled through marriage.  I have not really sat down to analyze the two incidents yet, but it sure has made me pause to think.  There is much truth in what my Yemeni brother has said, but I do not believe that hope is hopeless, and Allah answers our every du'a and it is just a matter of now or then .

For the moment, it is just too coincidental to ignore .....

A Part I Left Behind ... My Tok Ngah

When I left for Yemen back in 2006, I left some parts of me back home and one in particular was an old lady who was very dear to me and my family.  She was whom we call Tok Ngah.  I don't know how old exactly she is, but she must be in her mid to late 80's now, as you know how the earlier generation do not really know their age.

Tok Ngah was actually my late mother's maid. She lived with my mom for 40 years. When my mom passed away, Tok Ngah came to live with me.  Tok Ngah, Deeni and I lived together for 8 years until I remarried, and when that took place, she also followed me into my new life for the next 8 years, so she lived with me for a total of 16 years and in the family for 56 years.  She was like a mother to me, someone I love very much.  During the times that she lived with me, I treated her like my own mother, took care of her every need - and I do mean her every need.  She was as devastated seeing the things that I had to go through, but it was not her place to say anything but she was always there to comfort me.

When I left for Yemen, I could not take her with me, as I was on the run and had really no place to call home at that time.  So she was left with my brother, whom she loved very much too.  A few months after I left for Yemen, I found out that she was staying with her son, whom she had never lived with all her life, so that appeared to be strange to me.  I came back to Malaysia in 2008 for a three week visit and took her to stay with me for two weeks.  I had offered for her to come and stay with me in Yemen but she was afraid to die in a foreign land, which is typical of an old lady's thinking.  Early this year, 2010, Deeni went to visit Tok Ngah in Johor.  Tok Ngah wants so badly to live with me and Deeni and the boys.  I wish that I could make her dreams come true.

Last night I spoke to my sister and was really sad to hear of Tok Ngah's condition.  Her son's wife had passed away in April of this year, meaning that there is really no one that is really tending to her.  When my sister went to see her, she had lost weight and all she spoke of was death, which is understandable.  I have asked my sister to ask her if she wants to come and live with me in Yemen, and if she so decides I will be happy to take care of her here until it is time for her to return to our original home.

For everything that happens, there must be a reason.  I do not know what the reasons are for this one, but all I could think of was, we had her for 56 years of her life, maybe Allah swt in HIS infinite knowledge and mercy wanted her son to have the opportunity to spend time with his mother and give his services to his mother.  I do not know if Allah swt will grant me my wish, which I am sure is also Tok Ngah's wish - but whatever it is, I know that HE has decided everything in our best interest and that we have to accept it as that.  I can only make du'a that Tok Ngah will have happiness till her last breath, because she is one special lady, pure in heart and intention.

It is also amazing that in her I see that Allah truly takes care of HIS servants, so have no fear as HE is the PROVIDER, the MERCIFUL.

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

I come from a family of 3 elder brothers and a younger sister.  When our parents were around, they were really the center of our lives and we were always like homing pigeons most of the time finding our way back to our nest.  After my mom died in 1990, my dad came to live with me and my house became the place where my siblings would gather.  However, this did not go on for very long as dad died 4 years later after mom.  Everyone of my siblings were married and have their own family and naturally after our parents died, they were gathering for celeberations at their in-laws.

my 3rd brother

I am very close to my third brother, he has been my confidant, my friend - he gave me the care and the love that I needed from a family.  Throughout the times that I was "going through the laundry", this brother of mine has always been there, to support me, pacify me, give me strength and above all love me unconditionally.  

When I later decided to escape to Yemen, I had his full support - but he also made it a condition that I never go back to my husband, after seeing the traumatic life that I had to go through.  If I did, he would not want to have anything to do with me.  I can understand this condition and I could understand how he felt when I decided to accept hubby back into my life while I was already in exile in Yemen.  Sometimes in life, you have to make choices and these choices may not be understandable to other people, and once you make them you have to live with the consequences of the choice.  So I lived with the consequence of not being in contact with my family for as long as I was married to him.  It was either lose my eldest son totally (as he was with my husband in Malaysia when I left for Yemen) or lose my family.   Anyway, my two month istikharah guided me to accept my husband back into my life.

I knew the conseqeunces of my decision and I knew how disappointed all my brothers were.  We all have our own lives to live and choices we have to make that would be in the best interest of the people that we are responsible for.  So I lived without being in contact with my brothers for almost 4 years.  I knew that one day my brothers will forgive me.

When I finally decided to amputate the gangrene in my life, I knew it was time to contact my brothers again.  I wrote all of them an email, and true to my belief, they forgave me.  My third brother was the first to call me - and we were just like we were before and he said to me "blood is thicker then water" meaning you can try to cut the ties of kinship but it will never be broken. 

Last week, my brother met my Yemeni brother who went back to Malaysia to spend Eid with his Malaysian family.  I was really happy that they met as they are both part of my life and at least my brother got to know about me and my life in Yemen from my Yemeni brother.  He also sent me two boxes of food and today called me, so excited for me to receive things from him.  I am also happy to hear that my Yemeni brother shared with him the progress of my life here in Sana'a and I think he is comfortable to know that Allah swt has sent good people here to take care of me.

To me, following the guidance from istikharah was important. We may not realize the wisdom in Allah's decision immediately but the wisdom is definitely there. In this case, four years later - I have all my three precious boys with me and my relationship with my family is repaired - I lost them temporarily but I now regained both of the things that are precious to me - my son and my family.  


What was utmost important was patience and trust in Allah's guidance.

The Life Of A Believer Is Oriented To Pleasing The CREATOR ...

Sometimes I wonder why is it that things are never straight forward for me.  Having gone through so much, I should know better but I sometimes I just wish that HE swt would just hand things to me on a silver platter.  Then again would I be happy just with that?

Ramadhan has in the past always been an eventful month for me.  It was in Ramadhan that Allah swt forced me to find my way back to HIM swt.  One time I was accused of something I was not, but on the 27^th of Ramadhan that year, 5 months after I was accused, Allah swt freed me from the accusations.  This year, on the 27^th of Ramadhan, I was presented with an offer.  Although the offer seems to be lucrative and seems to be a solution to my problems and meeting my requirements, it came with a string of conditions. 

How should I look at these conditions?  From one point of view, I looked at these conditions from the way any normal person would, that is to compromise in order to solve my problems.  But somehow, my heart could not calliberate with these compromises when I want to live my life with Allah swt first in all my decision making.  Yes, it would be easy to compromise but how does the compromises fare against Allah’s ordainments?  How would fair against my quest to please Allah swt?

If I want to be on this path, I have to follow it 100%, FULL FAITH, with no doubt no reservations to be entertained, then only will I be able to attain the nusrah (help) of Allah swt.  Compromises seem to be a sign of weakness in my faith and my creed.  If Allah swt has said something to be haram, is there any room for compromise even if it is as an interim solution?  If Allah swt has made something permissible and honorable, would it not be a mockery to practise it as if it were not permissible and not honorable?  If Allah swt has decide on what is fair and just, is it our place to decide otherwise?  There is always a reason when Allah swt has decided on something for us and when we do not understand the underlying reasons, heed to the commands as a safe measure for us.

In my mind, if I were to compromise even as an interim solution, I am putting my desires ahead of Allah’s obvious laws.   Furthermore, no one should be obeyed on the account of disobeying Allah swt, lest you might incur the wrath of Allah swt.  It is when we want to deviate from what is made obvious that we will find ourselves getting into trouble, and then we ask why?

The offer is attractive, but is it just another test from Allah swt for me?  Is HE again testing my faith and asking me to be patient?  HE swt has promised victory, rewards without reckoning to one who is patient.  The weak me wants to accept the offer, but the me who has been trained through the years says, be patient Faith and have trust that Allah will fulfill HIS promises to those that puts their FULL FAITH inHIM swt.

I am still in the state of istikharah, and seeking guidance and I pray that HE swt will properly guide me towards a decision that will be pleasing to HIM swt and a solution that will help me continue on my journey towards HIM swt with a clear path ahead.

The life of a believer is oriented to pleasing the CREATOR and not the creation.

Searching Out To Reach HIM

In life, everything we do we have to do it with knowledge, if not we would just be doing it blindly without any reason and when there is no reason, there is no conviction.  I began my journey on the road less travelled in 1995 mostly by reading.  I could never get enough of what I was reading and was amazed to find out things about my faith that I never knew before.  Thinking back, I felt so stupid at how ignorant I was.  To give you example, when reading about history and it talks about the companions, I was like "who are these companions that they keep mentioning about".  That, my friends, is really ignorant, but our education system is built in such a way to keep us as far away from the deen as possible that we do not even know about much our faith, its history, its great leaders and of course our ultimate leader Rasulullah s.a.w. and how we are suppose to implement our faith in our lives.  We live our faith corrupted with other values that we pick up from medias that are used to brainwash us.

I was also seeking out the right crowd to join and in the search I joined a few groups but suffice to say, Allah swt  placed in my heart uneasiness when I saw that what was practiced was in contradiction to what I was reading at that time.  I also believe that you cannot just read alone, but you need a teacher, a guide, someone who can give you the right guidance and motivation.  Reading alone is not enough to give you the conviction that is required when you take this path.  (please keep in mind that I am writing from my experience and the experience of others could be totally different) .  In early 1999, I went for my hajj, and it is here that I made du'a that HE swt would send me someone to teach me to understand the Qur'an and the Sunnah.  How many of us understand what we read from THE BOOK that is suppose to be the guide in our lives?

Hardly one month coming back from hajj, I met my teacher.  From him I learned word for word translation of the Qur'an, Arabic along with it and with each meeting, he would always give us tafsir from the verses that we were learning, sometime using other verses from the Qur'an to explain and other times using hadeeth.  I saw how he was committed implementing Qur'an and Sunnah in his life and this motivated me so much to do the same.  I took knowledge from him for 2.5 years after which he was detained under ISA.  This was right after September 11 and the reason for this was that he was propagating jihad.  But history has seen that anyone propagating truth (that is Qur'an and Sunnah in the true sense), was always wrongfully jailed.   Two years later he was deported back to his country of origin.

I was back reading my books again because most of the other Islamic lectures I attended never really captured my heart as my first teacher has set a high standard of expectation in me.  What I was reading at that time interested me very much that I wanted to get in touch with the scholar writing the books.  Just my luck, two of my friends knew him personally and usually host him at their homes whenever he came to visit Malaysia.  I got in touch with him through email, and started translating one of his books.  Whenever he came to Malaysia, I would host lectures at my house, arrange for him to give lectures in masjids, drive him and his wife around, all this so I can just take as much knowledge from him as possible.  This particular scholar helped me to understand the Qur'an and putting in perspective events happening today in light of the Qur'an.  I still continue to keep in touch with him through email and whenever he has a new book coming I am always privy to read the drafts and thanks to technology I am still able to keep up with his thoughts on current events in light of the Qur'an.

Later I found the group of people taking knowledge from various sunnah scholars, and I did join in their lectures but it was never like my first teacher who was full of conviction, but nevertheless I did join to learn as much as I could.  My reading continued.

Apart from reading and attending lectures, I also listened to many overseas lecturers and one in particular that I like so much was also jailed.  But alhamdulillah, I managed to get all his lectures before they closed his website.  I also had the opportunity to meet with when he was released, and was arranging to have him do lectures when was warned that doing that could get us deported.  I do not know if you are seeing trends as you are reading this, but I sure can see that anyone propagating the true knowledge will have their fate in jail.

It is really amazing how Allah swt puts love in your heart for HIS slaves that propagates truth and those that strives to implement the Qur'an and Sunnah in their lives.  I love all these scholars those that I have met and those that I have not even met and I love most of the people that I have met striving on this path.  It is hard to explain to you but the love for each other but is almost immediate and it is united by the love for HIM.  These people that I meet striving to practise the Sunnah are also great motivators for me. To see their conviction is already motivation alone.

I did not learn only through books, attending lectures and listening to them, but I had the great blessing from Allah swt to put them into practise through the many trials and tribulations that HE has so decided for me.  This was by far the most important phase of my learning process.  It helped me to get up to speed to where I need to be in my relationship with HIM swt.  I realized that what is important is how we react to those tests, not the tests itself.  It is how we react that determines how much we have actually acquired in the knowledge that we seeked. Contemplation also plays a big role in moving yourself from one level of practise to another.

Seeking out to search HIM never stops, life has become less confusing and I am able to understand more the things that happened in my life and why they happened and it has given me tranquility and peace of mind.  It is only in search of HIM will one realize the great blessings that HE has bestowed upon us and then only will  we learn to be humble, grateful and obedient servants.

Knowledge does not give apart of itself to you till you dedicate yourself wholly to it.  If you give yourself entirely to it, you will still be given apart of it.
Wisdom is the believer's long cherished goal, he takes it wherever and whenever it is found.

Little Mercies

Blessing come in many forms and sometimes it may be minor to other people but to you it is of great significance.  This Ramadhan, I felt that HE swt blessed me with so many things. Alhamdulillah.

Ramadhan as we know is a month of ibadah and striving in amal while we fast purely for HIS sake.  So obviously there should be less emphasis on food and food preparation.  Although it is a much anticipated month by Muslims, sad to say I never looked forward to Ramadhan the past 11 years till this year.

In the past 11 years, when it came to Ramadhan, I cringe. Ramadhan was the most stressful month for me.  The man that I was supposedly married to was a chain smoker, so when he does not get his puff, any small insignificant thing becomes major and would result in him getting angry at me or the children for no reason.  We were daily forced to go to the Ramadhan food bazaars and if we did not want to, he would make a big fuss about it.  Food had to be prepared so that it goes well with each other and the table would be spread full of food.  If something was amiss or not rightly done, I would have to be ready for something to be thrown at me from the table and it comes along with hurtful words being blurted from his mouth. And with the full table spread, the food, most of the time will go to waste.  It was such a stressful period of time, and the only time I would look forward was the solitude that I would seek in the middle of the night.

However, this year is my first Ramadhan in 11 years that I can say that I am truly enjoying.(although the last 3 years was not as bad, as he was not with us most of the time except towards the end of Ramadhan).  I guess the reason is obvious - he is not in the equation!  My children learn that little food is more than enough.  I try to put in place the practise to breaking fast with dates and water and samosa.  Then we would make solat before eating our meal.   Our meal would not be more than two dishes.  The children have no complains and we always seem to just have enough and never go to waste.  The three boys would later go to solatul ishak and terawih.  When they come back, they will normally ask for a sandwich or a burger.

For a mother to see her boys fasting and diligently going for terawih nightly, it is very calming to the heart.  This is expected of a mother to tarbiyyah their children to start putting into place one of the pillars of  Islam, saum Ramadhan, at an early age.

For me, not having to go out to Ramadhan food bazaars, less food and boys diligently fasting was already a great blessing.   I was not prepared for other blessings, but I guess it is when you least expect it is when it becomes so sweet.

This year, Allif surprised me by wanting to go to iktikaf.  That in itself was another blessing.  But for him to finish reading the Qur'an within 4 days of iktikaf was yet another blessing, well at least for me it was because it is so hard for me to get him to read half a juzuk at home.  This is the blessing of being in the house of  Allah s.w.t. In iktikaf, they spend their time reading the Qur'an, memorizng hadeeth and putting in practice the daily adzkars (plural for dzikr) and of course attending all the obligatory and superegatory prayers in congregation.  I did not think he would last more than one night - with no PSP, no internet and no TV - but it is from the blessings of Allah swt that I think he was able to last till today.  I have every confident that Allif will sit through 10 days of iktikaf this year biiznillah.

Today, after solatul dzohr, Aiman came rushing back - he too wanted to go for iktikaf.  So i packed him some clothes, a cushion pillow and a sleeping bag, and off he went to the masjid with his bagpack and sleeping bag.

After solatul Asr, I got a call from Asad saying he too wanted to iktikaf. Five minutes later he appeared at the house asking for his clothes and sleeping bag and off he went to the masjid.

I really do not know if Aiman and Asad will be able to last the balance of Ramadhan in iktikaf.  But even if they lasted one night, and the age of 9 and 7, that is a great achievement already.

These are small children - imagine how you would feel receiving such requests and watching them go off without a second of rethinking their decision.  I was proud of them and they look really cute with their thoub (jubah) and skull cap and bag pack walking off.  I felt so grateful, its like realizing a dream.  I can't explain the joy but it brought tears to my eyes.  I have always wanted so much my children to have such desires in the practices of ibadah in Ramadhan.  It felt like all the sacrifices for them was all worth it although I am a long way from witnessing fruits of my labour, these are like the spouts.  I always thought if only I had a good husband as a role model for them, obviously the message here is its not necessary as long as you provide the right environment and encouragement for them.

I went to buy a can of tuna at the local biqalah (sundry shop), and another little mercy awaited me.  The biqalah owner was full of praises for the boys, not only their diligence but also their akhlaq.  I walked away from the shop again feeling like crying and infact did.  Maybe HE was trying to tell me that "hey ... you are doing the right things.  Life may seem hard but it will in the end all be worth it."

All I can say is Ya Rabb, I am truly grateful for this little mercies that YOU have blessed me with this Ramadhan.

Anxieties, Fears and Experience

For days I have been thinking of what to write and started writing a few topics, but none seem to have my heart in them.  Today, a unique old “acquaintance” suggested that I write about my anxieties, my fears of being “alone” in a foreign land and the experience of that of my boys.

I guess I have to go back to the reason that pushed me to chance my escapade to Yemen.  In a way Yemen, was not totally foreign as I had been on a mission here 4 months before.  It is close to 100% Muslim population with the exception of some foreigners and some remnants of Jewish community here.  When I came here in July 2006, I found the people to be really accepting of foreigners and they especially love Malaysians, the scene here was like Kuantan in the 1970’s, there was respect for women here, the people that I had matters to handle with was more than hospitable and I found it to be a very safe place.  But what captured my heart was the tranquility I felt in the midst of the chaos (there is no system in Yemen and the policy adopted is – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it), and the many masajids (plural for masjid) and how the azan was so crystal clear and in concert during prayer times and sometimes echoing .  It really touches the soul and is a constant reminder of the first pillar of Islam.

There are two parts to Sana’a – the Old City and the New City.  The Sana’a Old City, is designated by UNESCO as a world heritage site, and the sight of the old city is simply breathtaking and when you take a walk down the old city you feel like you are walking back in time … some 3000 years ago.  Interestingly back in the 1960s, there was no New City and the gates of the fortress called Bab Al-Yemen, was closed at 6:30pm and people were using camels and horses still as transportation.   So, I found a city that mersmerized me and where my soul was so much at home with.  There was no fancy cars racing around, no shopping centers to bum at, no cinemas to go to and what was really evident was the modesty in how women were dressed and the no mixing of genders in public.  In the busses, men made way for women to sit and no mixing, and in restaurants there were places allocated for families and singles (singles are men only sitting place).   Everyone in Yemen speaks Arabic and hardly many people speaks English.  A fact I liked as I want to learn to learn to speak Arabic and I want my children to pick up this language, the language of the Qur’an and the language of the people of Al-Jannah.  One of the most important criteria was that it was easy to obtain a Visa for stay in Yemeni if you are a Malaysian passport holder.

So when the time came for me to decide to leave, Yemen was the only place that I had in mind.  I came to Yemen with my boys, 2 pieces of luggage and MYR10,000 in hand and faith that Allah swt will help me as I am running away from an oppressed life and to protect the faith of my children and I.

Immediately as the plane touchdown in Sana’a, I felt that sense of tranquility that I had felt before.  A sister of mine who had been here earlier put us up in apartment next to hers for two weeks for free as the tenants had moved out and they still had paid rent left for the month.   Help came from everywhere – we then looked for places to rent at the old city, but the landlord offered us the place we are staying at for a reduced rental, the mudir (principal) of the ma’ahad that I was sending students for yearend Arabic program offered me classes for free. 

In life, as long as you reduce your needs you can actually survive – the basic requirements for us was air (which is free), food and accommodation.   Initially we did not have much in our home, just mattresses to sleep on and some stuff for the kitchen to cook with and that was it.  When my sister (in Islam) left 5 months after we arrived, we bought over her 10 months old furnitures at 60% discount. 

My prayers to Allah swt was always based on, “YOU did not create me to work but YOU created me to take care of these children who would then replace the next generations of Muslim, I will discharge that responsibility but please take care of us”.  

Anxieties of living in a foreign land – I don’t know, the only anxiety I felt was whenever I think about my past life, my present life is almost anxiety free.  I really am comfortable here  - I am in the land of the ANSARS (the tribes of Aus and Khazraj of Medina  that provided assistance to Rasulullah  s.a.w. originated from a tribe called Qahtan and they were from Yemen), and truly I have found the people here to be true helpers.   Allah swt sent me two Yemeni brothers to take care of me in this foreign land, and many more who are just as eager to extend help whenever I needed help.  Every Yemeni brother that I have met have told me “Sister, you are in Yemen, you are our sister and we will take care of you”, somehow this statement has always made me feel safe and protected.

Fear of being alone – I guess I can’t say that I fear being alone because all my life although there were people around me, I  strangely felt alone and I am used to being in this state.  So there was no fear.  But lonely yes as I am far away from family and friends, and during those rough years, I was never really connected with anyone, which I am somehow thankful for.  This solitude allowed me to truly seek the assistance of my CREATOR and paved the way for me to be closer to HIM.  Sometimes in a way I felt that HE wanted me to give HIM my undivided attention and was teaching me to solely depend on HIM.  Precious lessons I would never trade for anything else.

My 3 Mujahideens

My children were really young when they came to Yemen – 7, 5 and 4 in years.  I thought that it would be a problem for them to acclimatize themselves to the language and culture.  But to my pleasant surprise, all three of them picked up the language within 6 month.  They were eager to fit in and fit in they did.  Allif and Aiman took placement tests before they entered a private school here and they both are a year younger in their class in age.   We are four years now in Yemen and all three of them speak fusaha and dialect Arabic.  They are oblivious that they are foreigners here and they act and speak just like the Yemenis do.  They are fluent in Arabic, English, Malay and picking up Turkish now. They have picked up much of the Islamic values that I want them to pick up and implement in their lives although they have a long way to go.

I guess to sum it up, it has been a wonderful experience and a breath of fresh air taking the step to move from a decadent and oppressed life to a life full of blessings.  We do not own anything and we are actually living a life of a traveller, taking from this world only what we need from it ready to move whenever and wherever we need to.

A Gem Waiting To Be Discovered

My Best Friend, My Confidante, My Precious – My Daughter – Aideeni

Much in my thought and in my heart and will forever be something that can never be taken away from me, no matter how one tries.

When Deeni was born, she was the most precious thing to me and she was such a beautiful baby and being the person that I was before, I wanted to give her everything she ever needed.    The first three years of her life was spent with my mother, as my mother was diagnosed with cancer a year before Deeni was born, and to help keep her mind of the pain she was enduring, she wanted to take care of Deeni.   I went home to Kuantan every  weekend to spend time with both Deeni and my mom.  Sometimes, on the way back, I was just so tired, I would just stop the car by the roadside and sleep, but never would I give up a week end with them.  Somehow, just before my mother died, Deeni became closer to me and when my mother died, the transition coming back to stay with me was not difficult at all. 

After my mother died, we spent 10 years together, without any man in my life.  At a young age, I took Deeni travelling as much as I could afford to – we went to Disneyland together, we spent a week in the Great Barrier Reef, some time in Sydney and also weekends in Bali. We also spent a great deal of time at beaches like Redang, PD and sometimes jet skiing. Deeni could have just about everything she wanted and she got to share them too with people she liked, either her friends or cousins.  Name the gadgets that were available back then, she had them.  But Deeni was far from spoilt.

Things took a turn when I remarried.  In the beginning, it was something that she looked forward to because it was a new experience, she had siblings in her life and that was I guess interesting at first.  But as things started to turn badly for me, it affected her to in many ways and she too was being abused and this resulted in her running away from home many times.  It was really a nightmare for me every time this happened and I would be like a mad person trying to locate her.  But honestly, I did not blame her for running as I myself felt the same but was bounded by what I thought was right. 

Before I remarried, I had already started on my journey on the off beaten path – this too had an impact on her as she was not ready for the changes that I was making to myself – what happened to that liberated mommy of mine – where is she – why am I suddenly forced to put on the hijab – how did our life turned from carefree to oppressed - I guess it can also be confusing to a young teenager. 

Being forced into something that she did not understand coupled with watching her mom in depression and being abused herself, I think any other teenager could have acted much worst.  I really cannot begin to describe what she had to go through, but enough to say, that it should not happen to any child.  Seeing that things were not working out, I decided to send Deeni away to a madrasah in Lenasia, South Africa.  It was a tableeghi madrasah practicing sunnah.  When she was 15, immediately after her PMR, I sent Deeni to Madrasah Mueinul Islam.  She spent two and a half years there.  I really liked what the madrasah had taught her and how she had turned out to be.  After two and a half years, she wanted to come back and after consulting my brother and husband, we decided to bring her back.  This was one of the decisions that I regretted most in my life.  She came back and was back into the mainstream.  She was doing O-Levels and Foundation in a college at the same time.  Being back into the mainstream did not help her much as peer pressure was a far greater influence on a teenager than whatever she had learnt at the madrasah.  It was not too long before she was back again in concert with her peers. 

At this point, I was drowning in my own problems and could not pay much attention to her as I should.  Through my problems, she was always there to give me full support emotionally and understood what I was going through. 

One of the things that I could not forgive my husband was trying to poison my mind to think that Deeni was trying to break us up.  He was always looking for someone to blame and it was either my brothers, Deeni or my friends.  And in doing so, he successfully isolated me from the people that I loved and those gave me the emotional support that I needed.

When I left for Yemen, Deeni left for Australia.  Deeni was disappointed that after two months in Yemen, I got back again with my husband.  It was only after two years that she forgave me and we started talking again like mother and daughter .  That two years was one of the most difficult years for me emotionally as I missed Deeni very much.  I longed to see her and be with her, and wanted to be someone that she can depend on. But I myself could not depend on myself, so how could she depend on me.

Deeni grew up very fast as she had no one that she could depend on.  She worked two jobs to support her study and her life in Australia.  Early this year, in the month of February, I saw Deeni again after three and a half years of not meeting her.  In those years I was constantly worried about her, I guess naturally any mother would.  But more so I was worried about her relationship with Allah swt.

I cannot force her to be what I am, but I can advise her on what her responsibilities are.  It was much easier for me to do so as Deeni was very accepting of my advices. When she came to visit me, I saw that Deeni was a very matured young woman, had a good head over her shoulders, very responsible and that she was on her own journey.  In some ways, I stopped worrying about her, but not totally of course.  What made me more convinced was the comments that I received from friends who had met her when she was in Malaysia.  This gave me more confident that she will be alright.

However, having gone through painful life experiences, I do not want Deeni to go through what I did, but somehow it looks inevitable as she is almost an exact replica of me with the exception of her years at the madrasah.  I know that those years did not go to waste, it is somewhere inside her, but the pressures of life and the lack of experience is taking the forefront in her reasoning. 

Despite all the pressures on a young soul, she has been a very responsible daughter taking charge when it comes to me, her brothers and even her stepsister when we were being abandoned. 

I can only pray that Allah swt rightly guides her back quickly to HIM.  I know that whatever that was taught to her about right and wrong, halal and haram has not been lost.  It is a stage of self discovery and a mother can only watch, advise and make dua for the return of her most precious to a 100% commitment towards the CREATOR.

I believe that whatever and however our children are that we should not be ashamed of them just because we are inclined towards another path.  This is our test again as mentioned numerous times in the most NOBLE BOOK.  Our duty towards them is to nurture, teach and provide them with the knowledge of the deen, but the final decision lies with HIM – as HE guides whom HE wills.

Ya Rabb, we have endured much of our lives with YOUR tests, please make the rest of our lives in this world and the hereafter something more bearable, though we are from deserving.

I know Deeni is a gem … waiting to be polished

… and I pray daily that someone deserving would discover this gem.

Taking the Road Less Travelled

What does taking the road less travelled means?  Well, it could mean different meanings to different people but to me it is the path that I have decided to tread on in the journey of my life, a path that less would pursue on due to its abstractness, its difficulties and its understanding. It is very easy to follow the crowd and have a desire to stand out in the crowd, but its not as easy to walk away and tread off the beaten path. 

off the beaten path

I grew up in a society that was developing and the nations focus during my childhood was education, education and education – secular education that is.  Education that could help  put the younger generation on a path that would build the nation.  It was a successful pursuit from materialistic standpoint because, the generation that I grew up with eventually participated in building of the nation.  However, in the pursuit of development, we had lack the spiritual education that would balance the effects of modernization and what we saw was everyone started participating in the rat race in pursuit of material wealth while values and morals were compromised.

Personally, I felt that during those years, I was stripped of every identity of a Muslim except by name.  Sad, but that was what it was.  Those years that I was growing up with was brainwashed by western values and secular education.  Little emphasis was given to any form of spiritual development and any religious classes that we had was never taken seriously but maybe only to teach us the rituals, void of any spiritual form.  I think our ustazs (religious teachers) must have been very frustrated with us.  We were so in awe by anything that came out of our country especially our PEACE CORPS teachers. 

As a result of this unbalanced education system with no priority given to developing moral values or spirituality, we became a nation that was decaying In every social aspect.  Yes, I too was experiencing that decay and did not know how to handle most situations except by materialistic manner which really did not solve the emotional and spiritual aspects.

Having gone through much pain in my personal life forced me to look at spiritual alternatives and that is where this journey on the road less travelled began.  Basically my road less travelled is my journey towards my CREATOR, mind, body and spirit.  There is a hadeeth  by the Prophet , peace and blessings be upon him, that says, “Islam came as a stranger and will return as a stranger.  Glad tidings to the strangers.”    From this hadeeth it already indicates that taking this path will be a lonely path and you will be looked upon as strange – the more you follow the teachings of Islam as it should be followed, that is through the teachings of Qur’an and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w, the more you will be seen as strange – in your ritual practices, in your physical look, in the way you dress, in the way you stand firm on upholding Allah’s laws.

On this path, you will find that sometimes it requires you to leave behind many things that you were familiar with in pursuit of a life seeking the grace of Allah swt.  Sometimes it requires you to make hijrah, leaving behind comforts that you are used to in order to be able to practice your religion in the way it should be practiced.  Sometimes it requires you to leave loved ones behind and that is one of the biggest sacrifice emotionally.  Sometimes it requires you to sacrifice your wealth, without being afraid that you would end up in poverty and destitution.  But if you are sincerely in pursuit of a way of life to please HIM swt, biiznillah (with HIS permission), insyaAllah (with HIS will), HE will make the path easy for you and lighten your burden. 

This is a path of knowledge, practice and faith and all must be done in sincerity only with the objective of seeking HIS pleasure and nothing else, a path that require you to have FULL FAITH in HIM swt.  It is a path full of obstacles, trials and tribulations and much sacrifice – but all are as a means to build you up spiritually and bring you closer to HIM, the All Mighty.  When you overcome those obstacles, you will taste the sweetness of the victory and that is the sweetness of FAITH.

I took the road less travelled.

2010 - A year of Unfolding Events ....

• January - The departure of a good friend - the first article written in my blog is the demise of Zainuddin Ismail
• February - The discovery of the deceit and disappointment - my second blog posted in June 
• February - A much missed and awaited visitor - I had not seen Deeni for as long as I have been in Yemen, and she came to visit me for two weeks. This was also when I discovered that she was also on her own journey.
• April - Abang's solo trip to Istanbul, Turkey - at 10 years old, my son made his first journey without me for a period of one week joining the International Children's Festival under the supervision of his school.
• May - The start of the End - a process that I started to librate myself from the oppressed life I had been living the past 11 years.
• June - A visit from an eternal sister, Nik Zaidah - I could not believe that my friend and sister in Islam, decided to visit me, just to make sure that I am ok, that I have made the right decisions in my life and that my children and I are well and in good hands - what better hands can one be in when one is in the hands of Allah swt.
• June - A proposal to be considered - my step daughter was matched maked through a dream of a friend
• July -  Start of a journey that would end in a union - upon the decision to pursue marriage, we had to start the cumbersome and unnecessary process of obtaining the permission to get her married overseas.
• August - the Union of two souls by His will - witnessing the marriage decided in the heavens.
• September - a much awaited decision to change the course of my life - this is when my court case will be due 

....and what more is in store ... I just can't wait and I don't even know what it is...but


Life is a mystery to be lived and not a problem to be solved!

Witnessing the Impossible made Possible

In February 2010, when she found out that her father has taken wife number 6, my step daughter has decided that it was time that she looked for someone to take care of her.  For 19 years she has gone though three step mothers and witnessed 5 failed marriages from her father.  She has been deprived of love, care and responsibility of a true parent and any form of love from anyone.  She is not a deeply religious person nor would I categorize her as pious, but she is someone that can discern between right and wrong and halal and haram, a blessing from Allah swt. 

Disappointed and losing hope of ever having a real family, she decided that it was time she started a family of her own.  So she told me to look for a husband for her.  Now in this day and age, you would hardly find any teenager asking a mother (a step mother in my case) for such a request.  It would seem really strange in the world we live in today to ask for your parent to look for a husband for you.  Such a request meant an arrange marriage, not a situation where you first get to know the guy, go out with him on a few dates (more than a few in most cases in todays scenario ..some taking years and sometimes never ending in a marriage). 

With that request, I talked to a couple of friends of mine to start the search for a husband for her.  Giving our criterias and requirements, my friends started their  search.  However, seems that there is really no one that could fit our criteria.  One of her criteria was she wanted the person to be of same nationality, so that limited the search.  Over the next few months, as life moved on, we forgot about this request even. 

Four months later, my friend called me up June 27^th 2010, she said. “ Faith, you remember, you said you were looking for a husband for Aisha (not her real name)”  and I said, “Yes, but we have forgotten about it since it has been a few months.” Then she said, “I want to tell you that on Friday night, I dreamt of Aisha and Amir (not his real name). And yesterday, Farida came to my house and said that Amir is in search of a wife.  Immediately I remembered my dream and said that this cannot be a coincidence, and called you up.”  Upon listening to my friend, Aisha asked if we could meet my friend, Farhana.  So that night we went over to Farhana’s house to find out more about Amir.  Aisha then asked me to arrange to meet with Amir.  So we decided that I meet with Amir on Wednesday. 

I met up with Amir at Farhana’s house on Wednesday.  It was a getting to know each other session cum interview and interrogation as much as possible on the make up of Amir and his background.  Well, I liked what I discovered on first impressions, I could see his sincerity and commitment towards the deen .  Both of them, having seen pictures of each other and leaning of each other’s background from close friends, agreed to meet each other.  So we arranged for them to meet at my house on Friday for tea.  Amir was escorted by Farhana and her husband while my friend Sheila came over to keep us company throughout this meeting.  In Islam, both the possible bride and groom are allowed to see each other and interview each other in the presence of their mahram.  It was such a nerve wrecking event for the both of them.  Aisha could not make herself come into the living room out of shyness and when she finally did, both of them just stared at each other speechless.  So the people that started interviewing for them was Fauziah’s husband, Azman and myself.  This is so that they at least know something about each other.  They had nothing to say to each other really, as both became tongue tied.  The only thing Aisha asked was that Amir stood up so she could see his height, and he responded with the same request so that they could see if their height was compatible. LOL.  Anyway , tea ended and we gave the possible bride and groom time to make up their minds to decide if they could be partners in life, which also involved making istikharah apart from getting parents consent. 

Both Aisha and Amir decided on the affirmative and that they wanted to make the step to live together as husband and wife.  With this decision, there were documentations that were required as we were foreigners in a foreign land and therefore needed letters from our Embassy to say that they have no objections for the two to get married.  But before that, both of them had to get documentations from Malaysia.  There was no problem with Amir, as he has a very supportive family who understood the deen well and so, it was a breeze for him to get the documentations that he needed.  Aisha on the other hand, could not get any of the documentations needed as her biological father did not consent to her getting married.  The usual secular school of thought: at 19 she was too young to get married and she certainly does not know what she is doing was the reason behind the objection, that she is still studying.  No consideration of the recommendation of the deen or the sunnah at all.

In reality (after obtaining fatwa from scholars here in Yemen regarding her situation), Aisha, did not need the permission of her biological father as that was all he was to her, not her father in syarie.  But Aisha seeked his permission, out of respect that he is after all her biological father and with or without love, he had provided her with protection and care even if they were just through maids and stepmothers.

Since we could not get any documentation from Malaysia for Aisha, we decided to seek for a solution from the Yemen courts.  Having met the Qadhi we were advised on how to apply for a hakim sharie to be appointed as her wali.  However, since  her  documentations stated that he was the father, the courts still insisted that we get two witnesses to witness his objection.  From syarie point, this was all unnecessary, but we had to abide by man made laws.  Anyway, it was a long process to get any documentation for Aisha and so we decided to look at alternative but legal ways to get her married.  Man made laws would require consent from her biological father or any documents to prove that he objected to her getting married.  While syarie, did not even consider him as her father. So which laws do you need to uphold – the law of the creation or the law of the CREATOR?

I know and fully understand the consequences of not abiding by Allah’s laws and there is no way that I would succumb to laws of creation, although everyone and every institution we approach seem to ask us to fall back on man made laws and traditions.  Allah’s laws is so crytal clear. Our challenge was to abide by Allah’s laws.  In a way, I felt that Allah was testing us, to what extent would we go to uphold His laws?

Every avenue that we turned to for help required some kind of man made law to be abided.  From beginning to end, we had maybe six plans running to see which one would work for us. Up to the last plan, when everything seemed that it would work, but it did not.  When we were down to our last effort, we gave up in effort but not in hope and prayer … it was at that point that HE, the MOST MERCIFUL, sent us HIS help.  Out of sky, he sent us a lawyer to help us through and this was not just any lawyer but a lawyer with the supreme court in Yemen and having connections at the Ministry of Justice, which we also needed a letter from.  We had to circumvent a little the man made laws in order for us to get the letter needed from the Ministry of Justice.  But having seen the lawyer’s connection, we knew that the risk to circumvent the man made laws was a risk we could take. And took the risk we did.  The lawyer spent the whole morning helping us get documents needed from the MOJ and later went with us to the courts, coached our witnesses on what to say.  The witnesses did not lie at all but was in fact was stating truth of matters.  On this day, the last day of Sya’aban coinciding with August 10^th2010, we witness Allah’s plans being carried through, HE made what seemed impossible to us possible.  When all man and institutions kept telling us to fall back on man made laws, we stood firm to abide by Allah’s laws.  This was what carried us through.  Allah swt wanted us to make all effort to uphold HIS laws, and in the end HE sent us help to carry us through. Subhanallah… we truly watched what was and seem impossible, made possible.

Solemnization of Aisha n Amir

Amir and Aisha were married in the courts at 2:00pm witnessed by Amir’s mother, his brother, his three best friends, my eldest son and myself and everyone who were present at the court.  For me it was a moment that I truly felt that Allah swt was watching us, and seeing how we were experiencing the sweetness of victory after going through much hardship, all the time in hope for HIS help.  When the aqad was finally performed, everyone shouted “mabruk” the Arabic word to mean blessed.   Even the prisoners who were present were shouting “mabruk” .  It was a sweet victory I must emphasize again, after one and a half months of looking for solutions daily!

On the morning before the aqad, Amir’s mother and myself had cooked to invite people over to the house for a small reception.  We were not even sure if the aqad would be performed, but we took a chance that this would be the day that Allah would make it happen.  And it did.  We invited only the boys that Amir and his friend was looking after, about 20 of them.  At the same time it was also in welcoming the month of Ramadhan.

The following days seem to be working smoothly, Amir and Aisha seemed to be very much at ease with each other and it was as if they had known each other for years.  This is the blessing of a marriage that had no relationship before marriage and one that conformed to syarie in every way.

I want to take this opportunity to mention that since having been in Yemen, I have witnessed many arrange marriages and all of these arrange marraiges seem to have been working out well.  I believe the blessing is in the sincerity of wanting to abide by the laws of Allah the the desire to protect one's chastity.  These marriages are not based on lust and desire. Truly the institution of marriage has an objective and that is to increase the progyny and the nation of Islam, servants that will be obedient to HIS laws, and love is secondary, but it is the love for HIM that becomes primary and the byproduct of that is the love for HIS servants who love HIM. As with everything where HE plays a role, it is HE who puts love in the hearts of HIS servants.

Ya Rabb, thank you for giving me the opportunity to at least make things right in the lives of others after having made so many wrongs in mine. May this also be part kafarah for my past actions.  May this union also see its blessings not only in this life but also in the life of the hereafter.

Ya Rabb, forgive us our sins past, present and future, and keep us guided and blessed for the remaining days of our lives in this time and space.

End of a chapter and hopefully a bright new beginning to follow

Three weeks after the loss of a good friend came the news that my husband had taken on a second wife. This was not really a big shock to me. In a way deep down I had always wanted him to find someone else as I have always realized that he was not the right partner for me on the path that I have chosen to live my life. As humans we are not immune to emotions and although I tried hard not to be affected, but somehow I was. I could not really understand why, but I guess maybe it was the disappointment that although it was no big surprise, I guess I was hoping that he would prove me wrong.

I spent 11 years in this marriage sacrificing every wealth I had, exhausted me emotionally and wasted my youth. I was mentally, emotionally and physically abused. The only good that came out of this marriage was my three boys. However, having gone through these extremes and feeling no help was in sight from any created being brought me closer the the CREATOR. For this, I am truly grateful and I changed my perspective of looking at things that everything that happens, happens for a reason and in HIS infinite love and mercy, HE was actually guiding me to HIM and putting me through the laundry with clorox and all, so that I will return to HIM cleanse from every sin that I had committed. HE taught me patience and to have faith in HIM. It was truly a painful process but I realized that spiritually, I had gained so much transforming me into an obedient servant, teaching me to worship HIM as how a true and humble servant should be.

This incident finally gave me the reason to stand up for what I know I have to do if I love HIM more than anything else. That I should not be afraid of anything but HIM, that I should not be initimidated when someone attacks my beliefs if I am on the HAQ. That when I am on HAQ, I have HIM with me, there is no power more powerful.

This lead me to seek separation from my husband but not after seeking council with knowledgeable Islamic scholars in Yemen. I met with the number one fiqh ulamak with regards to my marital situation and he had given me a letter to take to the syariah courts in yemen recommending cancellation of my marriage. I had an opportunity also to seek council with another scholar whom I spent two hours with. Basically these two meetings were really HIS way to tell me that I am on the right path. That I have to fall back to Qur'an and Sunnah in all my affairs. Strangely, I felt that that I have to cut all ties with this man that I have lived 11 years of my life with in order to make way for better things on the path that I have chosen.

I also learnt that when you are sincerely doing things to please HIM and for no other reason, HE sends HIS help to you from unexpected means. Here I am, in a foreign land, laws that are not familiar to me, and language that is not fluent to me, but a land that is blessed by Rasulullah s.a.w. When I ran away to Yemen four years ago, I found a land where people embraced me and offered me help unconditionally and brothers that I meet keep telling me "you are in Yemen, you are our sister and we will protect you" . Today, when I need help most HE sends me help. Brothers stepping out of nowhere, calling from out of nowhere , offering help unconditionally. All these can only come from HIM swt. I am truly in awe of the help that HE has extended to me through HIS soldiers.

I am in the process of seeking cancellation of my marriage, but now I see light of its possibility when before I thought no court in the world would be able to free me from this man. InsyaAllah, I believe only good things will follow after this.

One of the scholars related to me this hadeeth :

"when you leave the doors of syariah, Allah will force you back through the same doors."

Remembering Zainuddin Ismail @ Din Mael

Zainuddin Ismail

I have somehow always had this feeling in me that 2010 was going to be an eventful year for me. But little did I know how eventful it was going to be. We are now into the mid second quarter of the year.

The beginning of the year started with a lost of a very dear friend, whom I could identify with in thought, wit, intelligence, religious outlook and abstract subjects. His demise came so sudden that I was in shock for a while. Having only discovered Facebook in Ramadhan of last year and reconnected with him again in October after 30 years, rediscovering a wonderful friendship of the greatest experience, it really hit me hard emotionally. In reality though, I understand that all that is alive will return to its CREATOR at its expired time.

I dreamt of him, the night that he died, and was so looking forward to telling the next day, but he was no where to be found on FB. The day after, his daughter Ayuni posted on his wall that her father had died in his sleep while stopping at a gas station on his way back to Kelantan to see his wife and children. But having to deal with reality at times is not so easy. Zainuddin Ismail was a great friend to me and I will always remember our special friendship and will always remember him being a unique personality, someone who is loved by many and missed by many. The more incredible after realization was his posts which were messages of him leaving us, but the most glaring was his last post, which he had written in chinese, and no one bothered to interpret until after he passed on, which left us all a message that he will miss us too.

"wo ye xiang nian ni.... :)" (translated as "I too miss you")

My wall post: 

You are terribly missed by many and thus so many of us looking for comfort through your wall. You posted so many pictures before moving forward on your journey, so that we will have memories of you and your glaring last post "wo ye xiang nian ni.... :)" (translated as "I too miss you") is a message to keep us pacified until we meet again .. in the next time and space and dimension. You were not just filling space here my friend, you touched the lives of many people that crossed your path.

Zainuddin Ismail died on January 9th 2010 at a young age of 47. My friend, wherever you are, you are greatly missed.