A Gem Waiting To Be Discovered

My Best Friend, My Confidante, My Precious – My Daughter – Aideeni

Much in my thought and in my heart and will forever be something that can never be taken away from me, no matter how one tries.

When Deeni was born, she was the most precious thing to me and she was such a beautiful baby and being the person that I was before, I wanted to give her everything she ever needed.    The first three years of her life was spent with my mother, as my mother was diagnosed with cancer a year before Deeni was born, and to help keep her mind of the pain she was enduring, she wanted to take care of Deeni.   I went home to Kuantan every  weekend to spend time with both Deeni and my mom.  Sometimes, on the way back, I was just so tired, I would just stop the car by the roadside and sleep, but never would I give up a week end with them.  Somehow, just before my mother died, Deeni became closer to me and when my mother died, the transition coming back to stay with me was not difficult at all. 

After my mother died, we spent 10 years together, without any man in my life.  At a young age, I took Deeni travelling as much as I could afford to – we went to Disneyland together, we spent a week in the Great Barrier Reef, some time in Sydney and also weekends in Bali. We also spent a great deal of time at beaches like Redang, PD and sometimes jet skiing. Deeni could have just about everything she wanted and she got to share them too with people she liked, either her friends or cousins.  Name the gadgets that were available back then, she had them.  But Deeni was far from spoilt.

Things took a turn when I remarried.  In the beginning, it was something that she looked forward to because it was a new experience, she had siblings in her life and that was I guess interesting at first.  But as things started to turn badly for me, it affected her to in many ways and she too was being abused and this resulted in her running away from home many times.  It was really a nightmare for me every time this happened and I would be like a mad person trying to locate her.  But honestly, I did not blame her for running as I myself felt the same but was bounded by what I thought was right. 

Before I remarried, I had already started on my journey on the off beaten path – this too had an impact on her as she was not ready for the changes that I was making to myself – what happened to that liberated mommy of mine – where is she – why am I suddenly forced to put on the hijab – how did our life turned from carefree to oppressed - I guess it can also be confusing to a young teenager. 

Being forced into something that she did not understand coupled with watching her mom in depression and being abused herself, I think any other teenager could have acted much worst.  I really cannot begin to describe what she had to go through, but enough to say, that it should not happen to any child.  Seeing that things were not working out, I decided to send Deeni away to a madrasah in Lenasia, South Africa.  It was a tableeghi madrasah practicing sunnah.  When she was 15, immediately after her PMR, I sent Deeni to Madrasah Mueinul Islam.  She spent two and a half years there.  I really liked what the madrasah had taught her and how she had turned out to be.  After two and a half years, she wanted to come back and after consulting my brother and husband, we decided to bring her back.  This was one of the decisions that I regretted most in my life.  She came back and was back into the mainstream.  She was doing O-Levels and Foundation in a college at the same time.  Being back into the mainstream did not help her much as peer pressure was a far greater influence on a teenager than whatever she had learnt at the madrasah.  It was not too long before she was back again in concert with her peers. 

At this point, I was drowning in my own problems and could not pay much attention to her as I should.  Through my problems, she was always there to give me full support emotionally and understood what I was going through. 

One of the things that I could not forgive my husband was trying to poison my mind to think that Deeni was trying to break us up.  He was always looking for someone to blame and it was either my brothers, Deeni or my friends.  And in doing so, he successfully isolated me from the people that I loved and those gave me the emotional support that I needed.

When I left for Yemen, Deeni left for Australia.  Deeni was disappointed that after two months in Yemen, I got back again with my husband.  It was only after two years that she forgave me and we started talking again like mother and daughter .  That two years was one of the most difficult years for me emotionally as I missed Deeni very much.  I longed to see her and be with her, and wanted to be someone that she can depend on. But I myself could not depend on myself, so how could she depend on me.

Deeni grew up very fast as she had no one that she could depend on.  She worked two jobs to support her study and her life in Australia.  Early this year, in the month of February, I saw Deeni again after three and a half years of not meeting her.  In those years I was constantly worried about her, I guess naturally any mother would.  But more so I was worried about her relationship with Allah swt.

I cannot force her to be what I am, but I can advise her on what her responsibilities are.  It was much easier for me to do so as Deeni was very accepting of my advices. When she came to visit me, I saw that Deeni was a very matured young woman, had a good head over her shoulders, very responsible and that she was on her own journey.  In some ways, I stopped worrying about her, but not totally of course.  What made me more convinced was the comments that I received from friends who had met her when she was in Malaysia.  This gave me more confident that she will be alright.

However, having gone through painful life experiences, I do not want Deeni to go through what I did, but somehow it looks inevitable as she is almost an exact replica of me with the exception of her years at the madrasah.  I know that those years did not go to waste, it is somewhere inside her, but the pressures of life and the lack of experience is taking the forefront in her reasoning. 

Despite all the pressures on a young soul, she has been a very responsible daughter taking charge when it comes to me, her brothers and even her stepsister when we were being abandoned. 

I can only pray that Allah swt rightly guides her back quickly to HIM.  I know that whatever that was taught to her about right and wrong, halal and haram has not been lost.  It is a stage of self discovery and a mother can only watch, advise and make dua for the return of her most precious to a 100% commitment towards the CREATOR.

I believe that whatever and however our children are that we should not be ashamed of them just because we are inclined towards another path.  This is our test again as mentioned numerous times in the most NOBLE BOOK.  Our duty towards them is to nurture, teach and provide them with the knowledge of the deen, but the final decision lies with HIM – as HE guides whom HE wills.

Ya Rabb, we have endured much of our lives with YOUR tests, please make the rest of our lives in this world and the hereafter something more bearable, though we are from deserving.

I know Deeni is a gem … waiting to be polished

… and I pray daily that someone deserving would discover this gem.