My truly amazing gift ...

In Dubai - Allif, Mummy & Asad

The only good thing that came out of my marriage was my three wonderful sons.  Allahu Akbar.  12 years of agony but HE pacified me with these 3 truly amazingly wonderful and loveable beings.  Though they all are unique but one that truly stands out is my eldest.

Since he was small, Allif just could not wait to grow up.  When he was two he acted like he was 5, when he was 7 he acted like he was 12 and now that he is 11 he is acting like he is 18.  I suppose growing up mostly on our own without a man in the house has resulted in him growing up at an accelerated rate. 

When we were in Yemen, there was not a moment that I would be without him.  He was my constant companion - my translator, my protector, my negotiator, someone I would talk to for deicisions.  I could even depend on him for going to the biqalah (sundry shop), supermarket or even pay our bills and he was barely 10.

Now that we are back in our homeland, he continues to be that man in the house.  One of the things that he has taken responsibility for is the happiness of his brothers.  Always trying to make sure that they are happy - buying them toys that they want, buying them sparklers and fireworks to have some fun for eid - and all this out of his own pocket money - acting like a father would for his children.  Recently his brothers wanted to buy PSP GO from their EID money collection, but were short, but Allif offered to top up for whatever was short, just as long as his brothers are happy.

Not only is he kind to his brothers, but also to me.  As a single mother I tend to get stressed up and sometimes easily get angry and annoyed.  I know it is not right, but sometime Allif gets the brunt of it, but subhanallah, he is such a wonderful son - so understanding and always calming me down and explaining to me things in a nice manner with patience and understanding and NEVER in a high voice - this to me is such a commendable trait for a son, who is only 11 years old.

I suppose Allif has had to grow up fast in the circumstances that we were in and he somehow just had to take up responsibility of man and father at the same time.  I can see how when his elder sister comes home, he feels some relief of this burden as I think he feels that the responsibility is somewhat shared between them. 

Apart from being responsible, Allif is also a very soft hearted person.  Whenever people that are close to us come and visit and has to leave, it is always very hard on him.  I am not sure why, but I suppose the people that come and visit us are like family to us and when they leave, it feels like we are alone again.

Sometimes I forget that Allif is only 11 and that he is still a very young boy with a young boys desires.  I am so grateful for this son of mine - truly a gift from Allah swt.  He has truly been a son that has kept his mother strong and standing in trying times, even at a young age.

Mummy loves you so much and pray that you will first and foremost grow up to be a good muslim and if that is achieved, all else is achieved.

MY YEMENAID JOURNAL

August 5th 2011: I left for Yemen with my three boys on a solo relief mission to provide food assistance to as many people in Yemen that our accumulated funds could reach. We were carrying with us a sizeable sume of dollars. It was quite a scary feeling but I was comforted by the fact that if Allah swt wanted this money to reach the people of Yemen, it will reach them no matter what regulations was imposed (as it is an offence to carry more than USD10K per person out of the country). Well though comforted not without worry.

We managed to get through the scanners at KLIA security without any problems. So that was one hurdle crossed. At Dubai airport, the scanners detected the money. I was later made to understand that our money carried metal strips and it could appear on the scanner. The woman who was managing the scanner asked how much money I was carrying, of course I had to lie, but when she saw that I had 3 boys travelling with me, she let us off. That was certainly a close call which got me worrying about leaving Dubai the next morning and coming into Sana’a.

August 6th 2011 : The next morning, I spread out the money on our bodies and also spread them out between our bags. I also made my children read the verse 9 of surah Yasin when Rasulullah saw was going out to leave his house on the night that his murder was planned. So we repeatedly read the verse from the hotel till the airport. The obviously less crowd in the early morning hours also got me worried, but Alhamdulillah we managed to get through the scanners at the Dubai airport.

Coming into Sana’a we were stopped at immigration because we did not have a re-entry permit although we had a valid visa till October. So the officer told us to wait at the sitting area. Then he called us and gave us the entry permit and said to me that he took pity on me because I had three boys travelling with me. At this point, I felt that my boys have really played a role on this trip twice.

Upon arrival we immediately went to visit two masjids – one the masjid in the area where we lived before, a small community masjid. And the other a bigger masjid which also had a muassasah (charity organization) within the masjid.

Jamek Zubeiry is a small community masjid, but a masjid that we are well versed with and also have a relationship with them the last 5 years that we were there. They do provide for iftar but they did not have enough funds to provide for “safari iftar” take home iftar. The imam was comfortable with our suggestion that he gets a restaurant to deliver to the masjid 100 packs daily and the students at the masjid will deliver them out daily to the people in the surrounding neighborhood that are hungry but too shy to come and collect the food. Masjids in Yemen actually have a list of the people that are really in need in their surrounding areas. So this makes the effort much more worthwhile as these are the people that we are trying to reach with our iftar aid.

Jamek Azban, is a bigger masjid and well organized as their muassasah really looks into the welfare of the community and its neighboring masjids. This masjid takes care of an area called Mus’ab bin Umair till the fringe of Zubeiry. The have two kitchens in two different masjids and a restaurant that they rented out solely to cook for the month of Ramadhan. The tahfiz boys help out as workers for Ramadan iftar cooking. The two masjid provides for iftar and food collection centres. The kitchen provides for cooking and food distribution.

Weighing out the regulations needed to rent a restaurant, the cost of transportation, no available resources, I decided that it was best that we work with the muassasah and masjids in order to execute our iftar program.

August 7th 2011: The next day, I actually revisited the kitchens and restaurant to see the effectiveness of their implementation and distribution. I started out by visiting Jamek Azban kitchen where the tahfiz boys were peeling potatoes and onions and those waiting for their turn to work were reading Qur’an. Later we headed out to Al-Jazeera kitchen (the rented kitchen) and also Jamek Ar-Rahman kitchen. The daily routine would be to prepare for cooking at 9:00am, to start cooking at 11:00am, to pack food after dzohr prayers, and the queue and distribution will start immediately after asr prayers. So it was moving from one kitchen to another and returning and going again to see their workflow.

August 8th 2011: Day three of my arrival I went to visit two more kitchens. The first kitchen was a kitchen of a foundation that manages orphans. They cook for 100 live in orphans and for another 100 people in the surrounding village.

The second kitchen really touched me. It was all managed by volunteers and they cook with wood to provide for meal to between 1000-1500 people daily. If it rains, then they will resort to using gas. The reason being that gas is scarce and expensive.

I was actually shocked to learn, that what we normally feed for 4 people, they sometimes feed up to 7-8 people and that is the reality of the situation. Meals are usually lacking in meat unless extra funds are obtained and this is true in all the kitchens. I was ashamed that everytime I visit a kitchen, they would give me two meal packs for the four of us, but Alhamdulillah we always share it with the guard at our rented apartment.

This kitchen normally cooks rice for an average of 300 packs. An average pack feeds 4 people. So they actually feed 1200 people in each pack of food.

My day has not finished as I was invited to visit an NGO organization. The people running the kitchen also runs the NGO. One of their projects was to help out the displaced ARHAB refugees, who had to flee from their home due to clashes between the tribes and the republican guards. The NGO had a video of how the villagers take refuge in the mountains and find dwelling in the caves there. Very powerful video and very touching. I doubt very much we could live in those circumstances. But these people had no choice as the village was destroyed by missile attacks Just to give you a background on reasons for the attack. The Arhab tribe is actually protecting the people of Sana’a from the Republican Guards who are trying to push through weapon and tanks into Sana’a. They are being stopped by this Arhab tribes.

August 9th 2011: On the fourth day we left to visit poor families in the village of Mahweet. The journey to Mahweet was about 2 hours and the scenery to the village was actually very breathtaking. Now I understand why my sponsor told me that you will be surprised that you will find more people in need in the cities. Mahweet is surrounded by vegetation and mostly corn fields and QAT (yemen’s downfall). I looked at the village and asked our guide, so what do they do with these corns? Villagers are very poor in Yemen, they eat from their fields and take milk from their herds. The corns provide food for them for 2-3 months until the season is over and then they plant the next season’s crop and feed on that. They have no other means of income. So if you don’t have a land, you have no means to live, and survive from the kindness of people. Yes, this is the reality of the situation. I visited four homes there to see conditions of really hard core poor families. Some of them were just women with no guardian and depend on charity totally. They do work from time to time in the fields but how much can the landowner pay them as they are themselves poor. But one thing I realized is that these people, no matter how poor they are, they have dignity and a big heart. Not one home or villager that we met that did not ask us to stay and break fast with them. This is the Yemeni hospitality that I have feel ashamed to say that as fortunate as we are, our hearts as not as big as theirs. Visiting this village made me realize how merciful Allah swt is, though they have no economic activity, they still have plenty of food to eat from the earth, only that the food is not of variety. I also realized that villagers survive better in poverty than city dwellers.

When you visit the village, you cannot help and wonder why the government has not done anything to turn the cornfields into income generating source for the village. These villagers stay poor , they have resource but have no means to market. The strong from the village will head illegally to Saudi and seeking jobs there. They are like what the illegal Indons would be in our country.

August 10th 2011: We visited 3 families out of 86 in Sana’a that have lost their guardians or breadwinners due to the political crisis. All these women have no means of income and depend on the mercy of other to help them. I find that Yemen is a caring society no matter how hard their life is. The people that arranged out visit was from an organization that was set up to take care of these women and children. It was infact only recently set up about four months ago. Our guides were so, lack of a better word, motivated and committed in looking out for these families. Our visit actually extended a small financial aid, but more importantly it was therapeutic for the families, to know that there are people out there that cares for them. I asked each family if they dreamed of their husbands, each family replied in the affirmative. It was glad tidings from Allah swt to pacify their hearts on their loss. The dreams are also repeated. More amazing was each family said that their husband told them that they are comfortable where they are and they are in a better place and they view the husbands in light form. One of the families, even the mother dreamed of her son.

August 11th 2011: Today we visited 3 more kitchens , 2 on the outskirt of Sana’a and another inside of Sana;a but on the opposite side from where we are. The first kitchen was in an area called Judur. A small kitchen that cooks for 200 meal packs daily. NO meat in meal as they do not have the funds for meat. They even have to cook in secret and distribute out to the truly needy in their area. The reason for this is because if their kitchen is known, it will be packed with people coming to get food.

The next place is a masjid in an area called Mal’ab. This masjid only provides for 100 meal packs to the poor around their area. They buy dry food and they rent a restaurant to cook for them. The cooked food are delivered to the masjid where they pack and the poor comes to pick them up at the masjid.

The next location is in an area called Bir Basheer. I must say that the masjids in the cities are quite well organized. They are somewhat like Jamek Azban where they have a welfare organization (muassasah). The muassasah surveys the areas and identifies the truly needy. They operate a kitchen from a single masjid but supports 2 masjid. They provide iftar jam’ah in the masjid for their masjid and another masjid – 200 people will break fast at each masjid daily. Before Ramadhan, they provide a pass to each needy family, which allows them to collect their ifrat to bring home, and they provide for 500 families in the area.

August 12th 2011: Fridays in Yemen is a holiday. So there was really not much to do but putting together my documents and reports and planning for the days ahead. We distributed out the funds for the second phase of our iftar program so people can prepare for the week ahead.

August 13th 2011: Today is planning for our trip to the village of Hajja tomorrow. Before we go to visit the villages, we make sure that our contacts prepares the following: the list of needy and arrange for visits to a few homes, identify among the list the most needy and also prepare us a quotation of the items that we want to buy for our dry food packs that will be distributed out. Coupons will be provided to the families that the food will be distributed to and for those that have capacity to come and collect they can come and collect at our distribution centre. For those that do not, we arrange to be sent to their homes.

August 14th 2011: In the early morning of August14th, we left for Hajja going through winding terrain roads with beautiful sceneries. This is what I like about travelling throughout Yemen, beautiful sights subhanallah. Alhamdulillah we got through the first and many other checkpoints without being questioned, but not without a lot of doa – but what really brings home to me on this trip was 2 things: what HE intends will happen and the fact that Allah Kareem (Allah is most generous). You see, foreigners cannot travel outside of Sana’a without first getting a travel permit from the government. Although it was on a 125 km ride, it took us 3 hours to get there due to the rugged terrains that we had to pass through. We took a rest before we started our rounds of visiting the villages in Hajja. We started visiting 3 families in Hajja town itself before moving on to the villages. Already in the town itself you can see the poverty that you see in statistics that you used to read about. As we headed out to the villages, we saw more poverty stricken society. Normal sights are cooking with wood, sharing a kitchen with a bedroom, or sharing a room with their herd of lamb, sharing the kitchen with their cow, toilets that we probably find hard to go to, houses with rooms that are cave like … subhanallah .. brings across that Allah is most kind to us. Having described all that, sometimes I feel they are a society more protected than us though we think they are more deprived. They have no money but they eat from whatever they have, they may not have a nice home and car but they have no mortgages, we think they live in hardship but really it has become life to them which they have accepted – you don’t miss what you never had. So another point brought home, Allah never burden you with that which you cannot carry. In the current political crisis, they have no electricity and water is scarce. When I ask how they live, they only replied with “Allah Kareem”. Anyway, I can’t begin to count the number of houses I visited going up and down mountain terrains on foot in order to get to the homes – but I did see the poverty statisctics in Yemen. We returned before maghrib and went to three suppliers in order to get quotation for food supplies. After tarawih, we went to buy the food that we planned to distribute out to very very needy in the villages.

August 15th 2011: We left Hajja early the next morning to retrun to Sana’a. The whole day today we took a rest after the short but fulfilling trip to Hajja, which also took a strain on my leg muscles.

August 16th 2011: We got quotations from food suppliers in Sana’a. This is the aid program for Sana’a on this mission. We bought the food and decided on the distribution centres so that the food packs could be sent toa distribution centre to be collected by identified families.

After asr, the wounded President appeared on TV from Saudi Arabia addressing the Yemeni people that he would return to Yemen. At the start of Ishak prayers we heard fireworks and gunshots going on for a good hour. In the apartment we had no electricity and we were also confused as to what was going on, The gunshots and fireworks were quite near our area and can be seen from our window. I received messages from Abdul Rahman for us to stay away from the windows. Later we heard that it was really celeberation by the President’s supporters in relation to the news that he was coming home.

August 17th 2011: The early morning of August 17th saw many fighter planes flying across Sana’a skies. I opened up my computer only to find out that these planes were heading to Arhab to further weaken the tribes that which are really protecting the people of Sana’a. Arhab is a village on the route to the airport army base. The Arhab tribe is preventing the weapons and other war equipment of the government from getting to the army base just before the airport. Hence, they are being heavily attacked by the government – not ground attack but air attack. We can only pray that Allah protect those that protect HIS religion. The scene around Sana’a today was also worrying. When we arrived two weeks ago, Sana’a seemed to have calmed down from when we left. Today saw many armored cars, tanks and armed personnel sprawled all over Sana’a as if waiting for orders. I worry that something might strike after ishak as it did last night. Today was the announcement of the National Council by the people, short of forming a government. We had to go out today as we had to run errands before we leave. Picking up our passports was the main event as we had to make sure we had to have exit permits before we left.

August 18th 2011 : We headed out to visit as many participating kitchens that we could fit in between dzohr and maghrib. We started with Judur kitchen as it was located somewhere in the outskirt of Sana’a. I remember when I first visited the kitchen how quiet our host were. There was only one pot cooking in their kitchen and providing food was done in secrecy as they did not have enough to provide to all the needy. Today’s scene was entirely different and very heart warming to me. Our hosts were smiling and eager to show what they have done with the help that we have provided. Going to the kitchen saw an additional two big pots cooking. They were providing chicken, tamr (dates) and yoghurt and their kitchen is no longer operating in secrcecy. They are providing more than double since they started and the families coming to take food are increasing daily.

The next kitchen was at Jamek Asia. Jamek Asia buys dry food and rents a kitchen to cook for them. At the time that we went the food was not ready yet and as such we decided to move to Shamlan Kitchen.

Shamlan kitchen also saw and increasing in pots cooking. The day after we provided fudns to increase their iftar offerings, they bought 100kg of meat as they have been having no meat iftar packs. Alhamdulillah, every other day now they provide chicken in their meal pack.

We moved on to Jamek Azban and Jamak Ar-Rahman which were both increasing their iftar meals to double.

We later visited the storage sites where we had already purchased for the dry food packs. In this area we are working together with them in order to provide to as many as 1000 families in Sana’a. They also have other contributors towards the packs, as such they include items that are not in our list into the food pack as well, such as sugar and dates. There are also other contributors for the same thing that we provide, so when we add up everything, we manage to get 1000 packs distributed out in Sana’a and surrounding villages – to the poor.

August 19th 2001: Today is the last day we are in Sana’a. It is so sad to find out and see how the political scene is evolving. The Sana’a Expo Centre (belonging to the al-Ahmar family) which is situated behind where we are staying was looted by thugs protected and encouraged by the Republican guards in the early hours of the morning. The thugs were also shooting among them to get whatever they can from the Expo Centre. This is such a sad scene. We passed by the place after Jumaah prayers seeing still looters taking whatever they can – glass, electrical cables etc… earlier the bigger thugs came with trucks taking everything from the Expo Centre. A pickup with no number plates was stationed with a machine gun in order to protect the thugs. Such a haram thing to do in the month of Ramadhan.

It is really sad to see Yemen turning into what it is today, because it was such a peaceful place to stay in amidst all the chaotic scenes.

We also took the opportunity today to say good bye to people that have been apart of our lives for the past 5 years. I took my son to see 2 of his friends and drop of souvernirs for them. Later we went to say goodbye to our neighbors in Zubeiry, a neighbourhood that have come to know us, supported and protected us the last 5 years. I could really feel the sadness, and I am sure my son felt the same saying good bye to his friends.

August 20th 2011: We left Yemen today. It was really a mixed feeling for me, sad as this backward country has somehow left a distinct mark on our hearts and mind, and yet I know that if I were to stay, I cannot support myself and my children. Sad as we see people in hardship and nothing is moving economically unless you are in the food business or you have business dealing outside the country. Sad because it seems that there is no end to the situation that they are faced with.

I am sure we will be back in Yemen again one day but under what circumstance, I am not sure. All I know is that I am glad to have been given this blessing and opportunity to be of some value to some of the people in Yemen, a country that has carved a niche in my heart.

My prayers that Allah swt will grant them the victory and the liberation that they as a people deserve. Ameen.

Allah is the best of planners ...

Sometime we plan, but Allah plans other wise for us.  Having decided to reroot and start over in Malaysia, there were many decisions that had to be made.  In my earlier blog, I said that I felt my decisions were not mostly mine, and I am finding that to be constantly true.

Recently, I had decided to take a job at an Islamic school so that my children could go to the school at 50% discount of the fees.  Having gone to the school, I was not entirely happy as I felt that it had too many students and the school somehow felt disorganized.  Later, after talking to friends, I really did not have a good feeling about putting my children in any of these well known Islamic school.  Compounded with the fact that fees were also high, I felt these schools were not the solution for my boys.

I took my boys to visit a tahfiz (qur'an memorization) centre -owned, run and managed by a friend - to my horror, my boys started crying and saying things which were really embarrassing and did not want to go to the tahfiz centre.  I was not only upset with their behaviour, which to me defined as lame adab, but I somehow was more determined that I have to put Qur'an into my children first before any other knowledge.

Making such decisions are contrary to norm especially when we live in a world where everyone is trying to give the best secular education for their children.  I have always dreamed for my children to memorize the Qur'an but never made it a priority but rather something that they do on the side.  This time looking at the state of my children, the horrific stories I hear going on in not only public but also private Islamic schools and compounded by my financial disability, I felt again cornered to make this decision to put my boys in a full time tahfiz program.

I felt, it was not my decision because had it been mine, I would still be thinking a middle solution where they will do both.  But having made that decision, I know that it is never wrong to make a decision that is on the path of Allah.  There are also many that have taken this path and they later completed their high school exams within two years preparation and later went to universities and excelled in their fields.  So it was not really a path that is totally unchartered by others.  Allif and Aiman are a year ahead of their class, so actually they have a year to take time off to do this.

So now my two elder boys are doing full tahfiz and while my youngest is in a school that does both, tahfiz and regular subjects.  The youngest is not in full tahfiz only due to his immaturity, insyaAllah in time, I hope that he too can be doing it full time.

It is three weeks on that they are now in their education centres and alhamdulillah all three are adjusting well after a week and a half of rebellion.  I suppose I forgot to take into account that they too needed adjustment.  Having been born in this culture, raised in another and coming back again ... of course required some adjustment period.  I forgot that they too had a life in Yemen which they left behind, friends, home and everything that was familiar to them.

If one is low in eman like me, it takes strength and courage to make such decision and to stay with the decision because such move will have its trying moments as when you are engaged to do good and something that is on Allah's path, syaitan is always there to ensure and make you feel that you have made the wrong decisions and always putting in your mind doubt and fear of being different.  Then again Rasulllah saw said "Islam came as a stranger and will return as a stranger, so glad tidings to the strangers"

The only certainty is when we meet our CREATOR

So much has happened since I last blogged.  I finally received judgement for my fasakh aqad in my favor and that happened on 26th February 2011 and my papers came through two months later.  At about the same time that I received my judgement, the youth revolution started in Yemen.  A month later, the Malaysian government started to evacuate students and other Malaysians in Yemen, as sometimes the situation here gets tense.

At this point I had made a decision to continue to stay as being on the ground, we have a sense of whether things are safe or unsafe, liveable or not.  As time goes on, living conditions started to get more difficult, we had power outages that gave us only 6 hours of power a day.  Food prices took a hike up as petrol became expensive and scarce and cooking gas became not only expensive but unavalable.  Although the revolution was a peaceful one (and as of today still is) but the ruling government was determined to stay in power.

In May things were getting more tense and my wonderful sisters (who are really my friends) were concerned for our safety and well being in Yemen.  It was really at their insistence and sponsorship that we came back to Malaysia.  We had made plans to come back to Malaysia on June 1st.  Somehow I decided to change the date to May 26th.  When we received our exit and re-entry permit, I changed the date to May 25th. I am not sure exactly why but at that point, I felt so much the yearning to come back that a day makes so much difference that I changed the date again to May 24th.  We arrived in Malaysia on May 25th only to receive news that the airport in Sana'a was closed.

The political situation just continued to deteriorate in Yemen with no end visible in sight and life continues to be hard and expensive there.  The political situation sees no end and the economy is virtually destroyed.  For a country like Yemen, underdeveloped and very tribal, it will take a long while before things will return to normal if and when the political unrest subsides. The people of the land will survive I am sure, but for me, there are many things to consider.  In current conditions it is impossible to do anything to survive and I have three little boys to consider : their safety, their education, their future.  I guess if it was just me alone, I would have stayed on.

Decisions are always hard and I don't know about anyone else, but I am never certain of my decisions. Most times, I don't think the decision were mine, but I am cornered to make those decisions: the time that I left for Yemen, the time that I have to leave Yemen, and now the time that I have to decide not to go back to Yemen, were times I felt I have no choice but that one decision because the other was not a choice.

Although I think the choice is clear, I think it is one that is very emotional.  Yemen gave me shelter when I needed one, liberated me when I could not be in my homeland, sent me only kind people to make my life easy  in a land foreign to me, brought up my children with part of my objective achieved for them.  After 5 years, maybe it is time for me to move on.

I have always wanted to live my life as the hadeeth which says "live your life as a traveller in this world, taking only what you need from it" (will edit this and include the actual hadeeth with its sanad) ... and so a traveller I have become, ready to move when needed, owning nothing material, taking care of my trust and ready to move on to the next dimension with as little excess luggage as possible.  I had nothing when I left Malaysia except for friends and family that I left behind, and now I am leaving behind nothing in Yemen too except for a new found family, wonderful people who have touched our hearts and life and just beautiful memories of a country that helped healed me.

I had always thought that Yemen was going to be my final home, especially at this age, almost a half a century, but it was not to be. Again faced with uncertainty and the thought of starting over in my own country that has changed by leaps and bounds is like again going through unchartered territories.

Well, insyaAllah if HE puts me through it, insyaAllah HE will see me through it.

Strugggling to Decide

Sometimes as much as you know and learn, you are stilll unsure ... where is that certainty that I am suppose to have?  The pull of the dunia is so strong that sometimes we just have to push it away and keep it locked.

My little baby who is not so little or baby anymore

Asad, my youngest son in many ways I feel is different from his brothers.  To start with I had complications when I was carrying him and he was a premature baby.  So when he was born he was hospitalized for a month.  When he was born, the first week we were not sure if he would survive as he was so tiny and had all these wires all over his body and needing antibiotics daily which costs a bomb till I moved him to a government hospital.

Being the youngest and the way he came into the world, I guess I gave in a little too much.  His brothers started school at the age of three and a half and are now a year ahead of their class, while Asad started school at age six..  His brothers are head to head in their Qur'an, they are independent and way ahead in maturity, while Asad is still in baby years.

I do not see Asad's development like his brother's. To me Asad is a wonderful boy - loving, smart, playful, caring but there is a side of him that is still in dreamland and does not want to be waken up.  I am somehow confused as to how I want to proceed with my tarbiyyah for him.  I do not believe that I should force him to do something that he has no interest in and right now school is of no interest to him ... or is he a late bloomer ?

I have in my mind to take him out from school next year and just concentrate him on Qur'an ... I should be certain that this is the best decision I could make but why am I not?  Rasulullah s.a.w said " the best of you are those that learn the Qur'an and teaches it" .... I should not have any doubt.  Whatever it is, having the knowledge of the Qur'an will gain him both dunia and akhirat.    I am in the best place for him to take this knowledge and most importantly, there is no one to stop me from making this decision, but why am I hesitant?  I guess I am thinking to much about the dunia.

I know that I  need to make syura and istikharah and do more homework as to exactly what are my plans for him.  I am sure that there is a reason why I am thinking hard about Asad and before I make any decision, I need to outline the path ahead with some clarity.  And if I do decide to take this path, it will require resilience and patience on my side to stay firm on the chosen path for him.

The Road to Freedom

When my husband took on a second wife, my first reaction "opportunity for me to stay longer in Yemen, the place I truly want to be", honestly that was my reaction in my heart, while my step daughter was crying in disappointment of her father and my son was in distraught that the father he loves has taken on a new wife.  I guess it is obvious that I do not have deep feelings for my husband, and in fact glad that he has taken on another wife. Early 2009, I had offered him to take on another wife and I only asked that she was a good muslim.  Obviously his choice of second wife is exactly as what he deserve, or maybe they deserve each other.


The reason that it has not bothered me as much as it would have bothered the average normal wife, is because of  the life that I have gone through with this man and also the path that I have chosen.  I see it as more as a blessing for me.   And true enough, in time it proved to be a blessing for me, a platform that would finally allow me to break free from this man.that had taken everything out of me.  I am not at all against polygyny, as I understand that it is the hukm of Allah swt and the right of a man with clear evident of its permissibility.  However, only when it is practiced in accordance to the sunnah will it prove to be of any value to everyone involved.  It is no big secret to my family and close friends that my husband and I are on two different paths and that we could never see eye to eye or be happy, but I had spent the last 12 years of my life trying to make this marriage work.  Alhamdulillah, everything just brought me closer to my CREATOR.


My husband got married January 28, 2010. He did not bother to tell us, and we found out from my step daughter in Malaysia.  He later called to see if we knew, and not telling us.  Two weeks later, he accused me of coming to Yemen in 2006 because I had an affair with a Yemeni, truth is, I ran away from him because I promised myself that if ever I was beaten up again, I would run away.  Anyway, I told him that I will not defend myself for something I am not guilty of.  He was so paranoid that he finally called to say he had a right to know, and I told him that if he had bothered to read the letter, he would have found out that it was from a woman called Umm Abdul Rahman.  He never really bothered to call us other than that, or to ask how we are living, or to ask the well being of his children.  Since January till June the number of times he called was probably 3 (one to find out if I knew he was married, two to accuse me of having an affair in 2006 and the last was to wish Asad happy birthday).


I had finally asked him for a divorce on March 31, 2010 but he had refused.  I had then repeatedly kept on text messaging him but with no success. He told me that I had always got things my way and this time I had to sacrifice for my children, he does not want the children to grow up in a broken home.  I do not know what kind of logic is going on in his head, as the children are already growing up in a broken home, only that it is not official. Seeing no way out, I only had HIM swt to fall back on.  Before I left for Yemen, I had actually gone to the courts in Malaysia, exhausted the courts there, but there was no way to obtain a divorce in Malaysia, as the certficate that I have was discovered to be forged and upon investigating through Jabatan Agama Wilayah Persekutuan, the certificate from Thailand (where I got married) was also suspected to be syndicated.  Having no other alternative, I ran away to Yemen.  Again, I am finding myself in a position with no solution, but subhanallah, Allah swt, if HE wants a way out for you, HE will force you into finding the way out.  As I was drowning in wanting to break free, Allah swt sends HIS soldier on my path, making me think offering me motivation to proceed on what is rightful. I cannot be sitting and continually making du'a without making much effort.  Islam does not intend for anyone to live in oppression.  


Seeing new light and hope, I finally decided to meet with Qadhi Amraani, THE well known fiqh sheikh in Yemen, who lives behind my house.  Before meeting with Qadhi Amrani, my Yemeni brother, Dr Najib, a professor in Arabic at the University of Taiz, prepared a short letter presenting my case.  We went together to the masjid.  Subhanallah, as we entered, a man walked towards us.  He was one Qadhi's right hand man, and I am sure it is not a coincidence that Allah sends a man that could speak English to come and meet with us.  Dr Najib explained my situation and this man, Muhammad Tayri, later asked me questions in English in order to undertand my situation better.  He told us that Qadhi will not be there till Asr, but he will explain situation to Qadhi.  We came back at Maghrib and got a letter from Qadhi Amraani.  Qadhi had written a letter to the judge of the syariah court to recommend them to help me cancel my aqd.  Subhanallah, I thought no courts in the world was going to be able to help me, but this little opening here is giving some ray of light that my situaion is not hopeless.  That eventhough my husband did not want to divorce me, that Allah's hukm is fair, that a woman can free herself from her husband.  Muhammad Tayri, asked us to come back three days later, to find out who exactly I am suppose to meet at the syariah courts.  I came back on Sunday and Muhammad Tayri introduced us to a man named Ariff, who told me what I need prepared in order to go to court and who I am supposed to meet at the courts.


I went home thinking of how I am going to get my documents translated and who will go with me to the courts.  Although I have considered Yemen like my home, but its laws are foreign to me, its language I have not mastered totally in order to articulate well.  I was grocery shopping on Monday morning when Abdul Rahaman, another Yemeni brother, called.  He said, "I know what you are going through" ... I was like "excuse me, did Dr Najib tell you what is going on in my life?"... he said "No and how many times have I told you before that if you need help, come to me.  I maybe young but my family have connections.  The man that you met at the masjid last night is our family friend. He told me.  I want to help you. I will call my lawyer and we will sit down and discuss"  ... what first came to my mind was and I voiced it out .."well, what will the lawyer cost me?"   He said, "I want to help you and it will not cost you anything"  .. I could not help but started crying in the supermarket.  Here I was, needing help, and HE sends HIS soldiers again.  My Yemeni brothers keep telling me, " you are in Yemen and you are our sister, we will protect you"  and always motivating me and assuring me that when you are on the path of HAQ, Allah swt is with you and what greater power you have with you when Allah swt is with you.


It made me realize that the Yemeni's are truly the Ansars.  The Aus and Khazraj, were the Ansars. They were from the tribe of Qahtan, and the tribe of Qahtan are from Yemen.  Here I am in a land which have embraced me and showed me what helping a muhajireen is like.   I am in awe with the nusrah (help) that Allah swt has sent to give me confident and to help me with my situation, to help me in making what is wrong right.  When you are upholding the truth, HE will always opens paths to make it easy for you.  Upholding what is HAQ requires patience, resilience and endurance.


I have been going in and out of court now for 8 months now.  It took me two months to settle my documentations and have it sent over to the Yemen Consulate in Malaysia.  Another four months before they finally passed it on to my almost X, but not after having friends in Malaysia help pursue the matter.   A month and a half before they finally officially came back with a reply to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs here with almost X's response.  And finally a bribe to get the photocopy of the letter in order for me to proceed to the court.  In between there was much of going to and fro to the courts without much progress.


It is in the Yemen's constitution that they have to appoint a lawyer to represent almost X, even though he has no interest to come to court.  So today, January 15, after 8 months of behaving myself in court, I could not hold myself back anymore.  The lawyer, I suppose was just doing his job and said that he denied all my accusations and wanted me to bring forth evidences.  I took out all my evidences and told the court that I had already provided them and they are from the police and government hospital in Malaysia.  I also told court that evidence does not make any difference anymore as if he has not provided for nafakah I am entitled to seek for divorce,   He has also agreed to give me the divorce even though it is with conditions which are "bathil".

The court asked what I want from him.. I told the court I want nothing and I am not asking for nafakah.  If he has not provided for me for the last 12 years, and he has not taken care of his 8 children scattered all over the world from 5 different wives, why should I waste my time asking for anything.  All I am asking for is to be free from this man and my children.

Finally i seeked permission to ask the court a question and permission was granted.. I asked the court if the lawyer asking for evidences has bothered to even read my file??? and that made everyone in the court laughed. The lawyer was not too pleased.  So when court session was over he called Abdul Rahman (my Yemeni son who adopted me as his mom) and dont know what he said. I could not care less..

Today was the first day in court that I lost my composure and said everything that I want to say in court. But the Qadhiah was really nice and she helped me out with questions that would help my case.  I finally stood up and defended my rights in the only way I knew ... HONESTLY and if anyone of you know me well, passionately too in what I believe is right.  

My road to freedom did not start 8 months ago, but it started when I came to Yemen, only I was still trying to give this marriage (if you can call it) a chance as I had children with him.  Although my last 12 years was a painful experience, I cannot say that it was bad, because as a mukmin, we believe that ALL is from Allah swt.  The good is obviously from HIM, but the bad could not have happened without HIM willed it for you, but for good reasons.   What is important is how we react to the situation.  The last twelve years has really brought me closer to my CREATOR, learnt more about HIM and my faith, made me a better, practising and a committed Muslim, gave me not one but three wonderful boys ... so how can all that be bad?   The dunia is a place of tests and I am glad that HE loves me enough to put me through these test .. as we believe, it is better that we are purified in this dunia then later in akhrat.  So the last 12 years has really been a great blessing for me.

Judgement on my case is not till another two weeks. I have done everything that I needed to do and I suppose I will have to trust that HE is all knowing and all merciful.  I have actually entrusted my affairs to HIM (which is another topic for my blog)  and I really cannot explain it, but HE has truly taken care of me and my children here in Yemen - we are here without family, without anything but only our effort, our hopes, our prayers, and tawakkal to HIM.  It has truly been an amazing experience to live under the shade of Allah swt. (I do hope to be able to blog this, but I simply cannot find the right words to share my experience)

The little things that actually means a lot ...

When I came to Yemen, small things make me realize that they are actually things that remind us of our deen and help us connect to our CREATOR.  Everyone here gives you salam when they meet you ... spreading salam is a sunnah ... a prayer to wish you peace.  When we appreciate something of beauty, we say "MashaAllah", when we are grateful we say  "Alhamdulillah". when something befalls us we say "La haula wa la quwata illah" when we want to wish blessings to a person we say "Barakallahu feek", when we depart we also say salam. In our greeting and departing we make dua for each other.  We start everything that we do with "Bismillah" and we end our meetings with the tasbih kifarah..  When we want to thank someone we say "Jazakallahu khairan".  

There are no suraus here but we have masaajids (plural for masjid) at almost every corner that makes it easy for people to have access to the masjid for prayers, and in keeping in line that the best prayer for a woman is in her home, it is not as easy for women to have access to masjid for prayers.  When the time for prayers come, the azans from the different masjids are just so disctinct that it is impossible for you to miss the call for prayer.  When people want to pacify or advise you, they take from the stories of Rasulullah s.a.w or that of the companions.  When people seek advise they go and meet with the scholars whom are easily accessible at the masaajids.  Meeting qaadhi (judges) with your problem is not something that requires you to go through layers of clerks, but you get to meet the qaadhi direct with your problems before filing a proper case.  This is how it should be.

We do not have shopping malls like back home for people to hang around at and no cinemas to go to.  Public eating places are segregated ... so no dating between males and females.  In busses, we do not sit freely among the men, men will have to make way to provide a place for the women folk, its like playing musical chair, only the women get to sit in proper sitting places.  You do not see female teenagers out on the streets doing nothing.  The women folk here are pretty much protected.  It is not something that is normal for a girl to be allowed to a friends house.   We may look at all these as backward, but pondering deeper it is really to protect from the free mixing of gender that usually leads to other things.  Just look at where we are today with all the modernization and  globalization.  We have lost so much of any value we ever had, let alone Islamic values.

I guess my realization here is that I was very much heedless of my relationship with our CREATOR and practices of the deen, but little things that I have experienced in this now world renowned so called terrorist infested country with the most talented bomb makers in the world, have made me realized of how far away from the deen and the practise of it I was and still am, have made me desire to be living the lives of the companions - heeding to Allah's every command and prohibition and conforming to the sunnah of  Rasulullah s.a.w., have made me desire to be blessed with that unshakeable faith.